Medicine

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

- Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.

- Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.

- Patient: OH NO! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???

- Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

What are seniors worth anyway? They are worth a fortune, with all the silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys and lead in their feet.

Well I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. I immediately go to see John.

After that Charlie Horse comes along, and he really takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays for the rest of the day. However, he doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he just takes me from joint to joint. Finally after such a busy tiring day, I'm really glad to be able to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!!

P.S. The preacher came by the other day. He said at my age, I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, 'Oh I do all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen or down in the basement, I ask myself...

"What am I here after?"

An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked, "What's your problem, Soldier?"

- Chronic syphilis, Sir.

- What treatment are you getting?

- Five minutes with the wire brush each day.

- What's your ambition?

- To get back to the front, Sir.

"Good man," said the Major.

He went to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?"

- Chronic piles, Sir.

- What treatment are you getting?

- Five minutes with the wire brush each day.

- What's your ambition?

- To get back to the front, Sir.

"Good man," barked the Major.

He moved to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?"

- Chronic gum disease, Sir

- What treatment are you getting?

- Five minutes with the wire brush each day.

- What's your ambition?

- To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!

A guy who has a stuttering problem goes in to his doctor and says "Ex-ex-ex-cu-cu-se m-m-me d-d-oc but I I I have th-th-this st-st-stuttering problem and I I I was wo-wondering if you c-c-c-could help m-m-m-me."

"Well take off your clothes and get into this gown and let me check you over." The guy gets into the gown and the doc begins his check-up.

The doctor is quite surprised: "I see what the problem is your penis is so large that it's pulling on you abdominal muscles which in turn is causing a strain on your vocal chords."

"W-w-w-well c-c-can you h-h-help m-m-me?"

"Sure I can but we'll need to cut off about 8 inches"

"I-I-I-I can't t-t-t-take this an-any more do it."

Six months later the guy goes back to the doc. "Well doc I must say that the operation was a great success but my sex life really sucks and I would like my operation reversed. Please put back what you took off".

The doc replies "F-f-f-f-f-fuck Off!"

A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is pleased with what he sees. He starts to review patients to see what they will do when they get out. He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player. He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player. He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his dick in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks what he is doing. The man replies "I'm fucking nuts, I'm never getting out of here!"

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill.

The doctor says, "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening."

The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king!"

She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen.

She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise.

Well, the husband is wide-awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed. He taps her... "Honey?" he whispers.

She rolls over and again proceeds to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore.

Well, the man decides to tap her again. "Honey?" he whispers.

She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure!... You're not the one that has to get up in the morning!!!"

How do you save a drowning mouse?
→ Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!

Why did the mosquito go to the dentist?
→ To improve his bite!