Medicine

One day, a man with no arms walked into the bathroom. Another man that was in there, asked, "I don't mean to be rude sir, but how to you go to the bathroom with no arms?"

The guys with no arms replied, "Well I need a little help, could you unzip my pants?"

The other guys reluctantly says, "sure".

The guy with no arms says, "I need a little more help than that, I need some aim.

Would you mind?"

The guy, very reluctant to do it this time said, "Sure, I guess".

When the guy pulled out the mans penis, there was red pustules and blisters and hair all over it. The man preceded to help the man out. When the man with no arms was finished. The other man asked him, "I don't mean to be rude, but what was all over your penis?"

The man then replied, as he pulled his arms out his shirt, "I don't know but I sure as hell ain't touching it!"

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."

The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!"

To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind lady, I'll have to adjust the chair!"

What's the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer?
→ The taste!

I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" I went up to the nurse and asked her what was going on.

She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots.

The five most constipated people in the Bible:

1. Cain-who wasn't able.
2. King Solomon-who sat on the throne for forty years.
3. King David-who neither Heaven nor Earth could move.
4. Moses-who took two tablets and went up into the mountains.
5. Noah-who spent 40 days and 40 nights on the ark and passed nothing but water.

How do you cure constipation?
→ Sit on a block of cheese and swallow a mouse!

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it.

After the intimate session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon". She confirms and asks how he knew.

- Easy, you're always washing your hands.

She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist."

- Male doctor: Wow, how did you guess?

- Female doctor: I didn't feel a thing!

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest was another, and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard, who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the hell was that all about?"

Still staring down, the drunk replied, "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"

Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times.

"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged one, "we've cut our emergency response time by ten percent."

"Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we cut our average time by 20 percent."

"That's nothing," said the third paramedic. "Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"

Actual "bloopers" Doctor's have written on patient charts.

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
14. She is numb from her toes down.
15. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
16. The skin was moist and dry.
17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
19. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
20. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our Car for physical therapy.
22. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
23. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
24. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.