Medicine

The young Southern belle came to the hospital for a check-up. "Have you ever been x-rayed?", asked the doctor.
"Nope," she replied, "But ah've been ultra-violated."

A gang of witches broke into a blood bank last night and stole a thousand pints of blood.
Police are still hunting for the clots.

How do you cook vegatables in the microwave?
→ Take them out their wheelchair.

Where do you take a sick horse?
→ To the Horspital!

What do you give a sick horse?
→ Cough stirrup.

What do you call a pony with a sore throat?
→ A hoarse horse!

What disease do horses fear most?
→ Hay Fever!

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?' 'Yes,' the professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.'
'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may enter.' 'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,' the professor ansvered. 'Im am not Saint Peter,' said the gatekeeper. 'He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.'

An angel in heaven was welcoming a new arrival.
"How did you get here?" he asked.
And the new angel replied, "Flu..."

- Jay: Does the Bible say that if you smoke you can't get to heaven?

- Ted: No, but the more you smoke the quicker you'll get there.