Medicine

- Doctor, doctor, I can't concentrate, one minute I'm ok, and the next minute, I'm blank!

- And how long have you had this complaint?

- What complaint?

- Doctor, doctor, I keep trying to get into fights.

- And how long have you had this complaint?

- Who wants to know?

- Doctor, doctor, I'm manic-depressive.

- Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer up. Calm

- Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.

- Sit there and don't stir.

- Doctor, doctor, people keep telling me I'm ugly!

- Lay on the couch, face down.

- Doctor, doctor, No one believes a word I say.

- Tell me the truth now, what's your REAL problem?

- Doctor, doctor, nobody understands me.

- What do you mean by that?

- Doctor, doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow.

- Don't let people push you around.

How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital?
→ The patients get better and leave.
Not everyone of the patients thinks he is God.
The staff have the keys!

One behaviorist to another after lovemaking:

"Darling, that was wonderful for you. How was it for me?"