Marriage Jokes

- It's just to hot to wear clothes today - said Jack as he stepped out of the shower.

- Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?

- Probably that I married you for your money.

Jill tells her husband:

- Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.

- Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can't you do that?

- Gosh - Jack says, why I hardly know the girl!

- Honey, I have a confession to make - a guy told his bride.

- I'm a golf nut. You'll never see me on weekends during golf season.

- Well, dear - she murmured.

- I have a confession to make too. I'm a hooker.

- No big deal - replied the groom.

- Just keep your head down and your left arm straight!

- I'm fed up with your jealousy - the furious wife told her husband.

- Do you think I don't realize you're having me followed by a detective who's tall, blond, has green eyes and is very nice, although a little shy at first?

Here lies my wife in earthy mould; when she lived did naught but scold.
Good friends go softly in your walking; lest she should wake and rise up talking.

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife:

- What the hell happened?

- As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss - replied the wife.

- Piss on him - answered the husband.

- You did - said the wife, and he fired you.

- Well, fuck him - said the husband.

- I did, and you go back to work in the morning!

On the way home from the party, the woman said to her husband:

- Have I ever told you how handsome and sexy and irresistible to women you are?

- Why no - said the husband, flattered.

- Then what the hell gave you that idea at the party?! - she yelled.

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed.

With a low voice he sad to his wife:

- When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones.

- No, I can't marry anyone after you.

- But I want you to.

- But why?

- Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!

Did you hear about the new men's magazine that caters exclusively to married men?

It's like Playboy or Penthouse magazine, except the centerfold is the same month after month after month...

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives.

When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.

It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony.

So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together.

They went back to St. Peter, and said:

- We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?

- Are you kidding? - said St. Peter.

- It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!