Random joke from this category
Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow.
- How old was your husband? - he asked.
- He was ninety-eight - she answered softly.
- Two years older than I am.
- Really? - the undertaker said.
- Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?
Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
- Louise - he moaned:
- tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?
- Even worse - she said, her voice oozing scorn:
- You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.
- He's an idiot - Bob said.
- Piss on him!
- You did - came the reply.
- And he fired you.
- Well, screw him! - said Bob.
- I did. You're back at work on Monday.
The middle-aged wife had just returned to the house on Saturday afternoon after a shopping trip. She was quite agitated, and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been rude.
It seems she was sitting down while he helped her try on various shoes, and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any knickers under her dress. Without even thinking, he just blurted out:
- If that thing was full of ice cream, I'd eat every bite.
Well, she was understandably insulted, and now wanted to know what her husband was going to do about it.
The husband just sat there, watching football on TV, and grunted. The wife became hysterical, and insisted on knowing why he didn't go down to the shop and punch the rude salesman right in the nose.
- Well - the husband replied - There are three reasons I won't punch that guy in the nose. First of all, you shouldn't have even been shopping for shoes, since you have a whole wardrobe full of them. Secondly, you have no business going shopping with no knickers on. But most of all, I'm not going to punch anyone who's big enough to eat that much ice cream!
A woman feared that her husband was losing interest in her sexually. She went out and bought some very sexy lingerie, complete with crotchless panties. She posed herself in bed and awaited his arrival.
When he came into the bedroom, she threw the sheets back, spread her legs, and said:
- Welcome home honey. Do you want some of this?
With a horrified look on his face, the husband replied:
- Hell No! Look what it did to your underwear!
Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.
- What happened to you feet? - his wife asked.
- I had a childhood disease called tolio.
- Don't you mean polio?
- No, tolio, it only affects the toes.
He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees.
- What happened to your knees? - she asked.
- Well, I also had kneesles.
- Don't you mean measles?
- No, kneesles, it only affects the knees.
When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said...:
- Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!
Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men's game.
- Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through? - asked the first man. The other man shook his head.
- I'm going to go ask them if we can play through, - said the first man, emphatically.
- Enough is enough.
He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.
- Oh God, - he said to his friend.
- This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress.
The other man shrugged, and said:
- No sweat.
He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said:
- Small world!
The hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The first night the hillbilly anxiously jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready for a little romance.
His new bride comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says:
- Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin.
The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his father's house. When he gets there his father says:
- Son, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon.
The son, almost out of breath from his run to the house says:
- Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin!!!!
- Damn son. You did the right thing by leaving. If she wasn't good enough for her family, she sure as hell isn't good enough for ours!
Imagine, if you will, three temperate southern (US) women rocking away on a porch as the sultry summer's day comes to a slow end. The horizon is awash with the sun's setting hues. A few pesky no-see-ums fly about.
The first lady speaks up in her slow, southern drawl and says:
- Sisters, I've been thinking. Each of us has a husband whose name is LeRoy. It's been mighty confusing lately. Sometimes when I yell 'LeRoy!!' your husband comes and sometimes yours answers and once in a while mine comes. I think it's time we rename our husbands to end the confusion.
Quiet returns to the porch scene only to be interrupted by the creaking of the old rocking chairs on the loose planks. The first lady again speaks up and says:
- I think I'll name my husband 'Seven-UP'.
- Why, sister, why are you going to name your husband 'Seven-UP'? - queries one of the old gals.
- Why, he's got seven inches and it's always up! - replies the first lady.
The second lady then muses a bit and says:
- I think I'm going to name my LeRoy 'Mountain Dew'.
- Why, sister, why are you going to name him 'Mountain Dew'?
- Well, cuz mountin' is one thing he do real well - the second lady says.
Both then turn to the third woman as she rocks slowly in her chair and of her they ask:
- And, what will you name your husband, sister?
- I've been thinking that I just might name him 'Jack Daniels' - she said.
- Why, sister, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor!!
- That's my LeRoy! - the third woman responds.
25 Things a Wife would say in a "perfect world!"
Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was:
- Darling, I've got a big surprise for you - at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room.
- Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise - said the bride.
Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.
- Hmmmmm - she said softly.
- that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!
