Marriage Jokes

A little boy walked down the aisle at a wedding. As he made his way to the front, he would take two steps, then stop, and turn to the crowd, alternating between the bride's side and the groom's side. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. And so it went-step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR-all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and he was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed back his tears and said, "I was being the ring bear."

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

These two construction workers always noticed that their boss always left early on Fridays. So one asked the other that if the boss left early next Friday if he would want to also. The other man agreed. Sure enough, when Friday came, the boss left early. Therefore, the two men left also. The one offered the other to join him down at the bar, but he decided to just head on home. When he arrived home, he heard a noise from up stairs.

When he reached the top of the stairs, he noticed that the noise was coming from the bedroom. He opened the door and saw his boss sleeping with his wife, so he quietly closed the door and headed back down the stairs and out the front door. He made his way down to the bar to see if his friend was still there and he was. His friend asked, "I thought you were headed home?" The man replied, "I did, but this is the last time I ever leave work early again." His friend asked, "Why's that?" The man replied, "I almost got caught by the boss."

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday."

Well, you can imagine her disappointment.

The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.

She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?"

He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"

She said, "I'd love to be ten again."

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.

Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.

At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"

A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On the day of the wedding he says to the parrot "Now look here, I know you are always sat in that window sticking your beak in, when me and my new wife get back from the wedding I want you to turn round and no matter what you hear I do not want you to turn back or I'll break your neck, do you understand?" The parrot reluctantly agrees.

On returning from the wedding the parrot turns round as instructed, and behind him the bride and groom start to pack for the honeymoon. The wife however has packed too much and they can't get the case closed.

"Get on top and sit on it baby!" Says the man the woman does so and grunts and moans but can't shut the case. "You get on top baby it might be better" Says the wife, so the man grunts and groans and tries his best but still cant shut the case.

After a little thought the man says "Ok we'll both get on top see if that's any better!" The parrot turns round and says "Neck or no neck I have to see this!"

- I'm not ugly. I could marry anyone I pleased!

- But that's the problem - you don't please anyone.

A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."

The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."

"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.

"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull."

"That's a shame." said his friend, "How did it happen?"

"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!"

3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview.

The first man walked into the office. The interviewing FBI agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, hesitated, and said "Sorry, I can't do it."

The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. "Sorry," he said.

The last man came into the office. The inverviewer said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming. The man came out of the room and said "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!"