Random joke from this category
A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:
"No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!"
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna, "but what am I going to do with the BODY?"
A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence call the day after the friend's wife has died.
When he knocks on the door, he gets no answer, so he decides to go in and see if everything is all right. Upon entering the house, the man discovers his friend in the living room kissing a mate.
"Jack", says the man, "Your wife just died yesterday!!" His friend looks up and says, "In this grief, do you think I know what I'm doing?"
Why do you want to be buried at sea?
→ Because my wife says she wants to dance on my grave.
An avid line dancing couple go to the doctor for a check up because they are having trouble remembering anything but, all the latest line dances. The doctor finds them in excellent health (of course), but suggests that writing things down may help their memories off the dance floor. That night the husband gets up to go the kitchen and the wife asks for a dish of ice cream, suggesting that maybe he write it down. He says "I don't need to write it down"
She says "Well I want Strawberries on it, so maybe you better write it down" "I don't need to write it down" He says and walks off in a huff. Twenty minutes later he comes back with a plate of bacon and eggs.
"I told you to write it down" she says, "You forgot my toast".
- I think I hear burglars, dear. Are you awake?
- No!
A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night. "There's a burglar downstairs eating the cake that I made this morning."
"Who shall I call," her husband asked, "police or ambulance?"
What do you call a cow who argues with her husband?
→ A bullfighter!
- Professor: I forgot to take my umbrella this morning.
- Wife: When did you first miss it, dear?
- Professor: When I reached up to close it after the rain had stopped.
Did you hear about the Western Kentucky professor who kissed the door goodbye and slammed his wife as he went by?
