Marriage Jokes

This couple just got married and was spending their honeymoon at a secluded campgrounds next to a small lake. Every day the new bridegroom was seen in a boat on the lake fishing.

Two old timers who was always setting on the dock thought it kinda funny that the groom was spending all his time on the lake. Well, their curiosity got the best of them and they confronted him when he came in for lunch. The first old man said:

- Son when I first got married me and my wife spent every day of our honeymoon in bed... well you know!

The new groom said, "well, normally that's what I would do, But she...well, she's got gonorrhea." The second old man said, "well son haven't you ever heard about oral sex? everybody's doing it these days." The groom says, "yes I have heard about that, but she also has pyorrhea."

The first old man looks at the second old man, and they both nod to each other and offered this advice. "Sonny, in times like this you just might want to roll her over."

The groom says, "I know all about that too, but she's got diarrhea." The two old men look at each other and at the same time they say, "Daggone Sonny...gonorrhea, pyorrhea, diarrhea, what the hell did ya marry her for?!"

He said, "Well she's also got worms,... And I dooo looove to Fish!!"

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring.

So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."

- My goodness! - the woman exclaimed - sounds like leasing a new sports car!

- Humm - the doctor murmured - too obvious, huh?

The wife comes home from a night at bingo with a new fur coat. She says:

- Honey, look what I won at bingo.

Next week she comes home from bingo with a large diamond ring. She says:

- Honey look what I won at bingo.

Next week she come home from bingo driving a new porsche, she says:

- Honey, look what I won at bingo.

The next week as she is preparing to get ready for bingo, the husband asks:

- Honey shall I draw you a bath?

To which she replies:

- Why sure.

As the wife enters the tub she notices there is less than a inch of water in the tub.

She asks:

- how am I supposed to take a bath in this amount of water?

To which the husband replies:

- I wouldn't want you to get your bingo card wet!

An accountant decided to leave his wife one day.

He left her a note saying:

- Dear Jane, I am 54 years old and I have never done anything wild. So I'm leaving you for an 18 year old blonde model. We'll be staying at the Sheraton.

He then packed his things and went there. When he arrived at the Sheraton, there was a message for him from his wife. It read:

- Dear John. I too am 54 years old. I have followed your example and am staying at the Hyatt with an 18 year old Italian hunk. And I'm sure that you, as an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it.

They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter:

- Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter.

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded:

- Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.

The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter:

- Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced:

- Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.

Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, were playing house.

They both decided it was time to get married.

So Little Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage.

- Where will you live? - asked Susie's dad, thinking this was cute.

- Well - said Little Johnny:

- I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's plenty big for both of us.

- And how will you live?

- I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance.

That should be enough.

Getting exasperated since Little Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie's dad asked:

- And what if little ones come along?

- Well - said Little Johnny:

- we've been lucky so far!

A guy takes his ill and aging wife in to the doctor's office.

After a full examination, the doc tells the guy it's one of two things.

The Doc says:

- Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS.

- What do you mean! - The guy says.

- Can't you tell the difference?

Well, says the Doc, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what ya do...
Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, - don't have sex with her anymore!

Three ladies are sitting in a bar. All of them have husbands named Larry. One lady asks:

- If you could name your husband after any soda pop, what would it be?

The first lady thinks for a minute and says:

- Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime.

The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says:

- 7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up.

The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says:

- Jack Daniels.

The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say:

- Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor.

The third lady says:

- Yep, thats my Larry!

Typical "macho man" marries a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, lays down the following rules:

- I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you!

- I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it! Those are my rules...any comments?

His new bride matter of factly says:

- No, that's fine with me.

- Just understand one thing... there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're HOME or not!

A man went to the market this last week to buy Valentines' cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him.

He muttered out loud:

- I wonder if they have cards for ex-spouses.

The clerk behind the counter said:

- Oh, yes sir, they do have an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods.

- Really?

- Yes sir...they're called bullets!