Marriage Jokes

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands....

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

- You're running around with other women - she told her mate.

- Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable - Adam responded.

- You know you're the only woman on earth.

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

- What do you think you're doing? - Adam demanded.

- Counting your ribs - said Eve!

Mrs. Whembleton decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist:

- Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant.

- But, Madam, you are not wearing any of those things.

- True enough - said Mrs. Whembleton. If I should predecease my dear husband I know he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go stark raving mad looking for the jewelry!

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat. . . .

- He: I'm sorry honey but I'm up to my neck in work today

- She: But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear.

- He: OK darling, but since I've got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?

- She: Well, the air bag works...

During a recent vacation in Atlantic City, a couple went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a woman from the back of the theater yelled out:

- Hey, how'd you do that?

- I could tell you, madam - the magician answered - But then I'd have to kill you.

After a short pause, she yelled back:

- Ok, then... Just tell my husband!

I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his ample stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I quipped:

- I don't think that is going to help much, hon?

- Sure it does - he said.

- How else can I can see the numbers!

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help.

A local fisherman ran up. The man gasped:

- My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars.

The fisherman dived into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.

Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said:

- Okay, buddy, where's my hundred?

The man said:

- Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said...

- Just my luck! So tell me, what do I owe you?

- Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad

- I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead

- Husband and Cat Lost... Reward for Cat

- Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton

- Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt

- Learn from Your Parents' Mistakes... Use Birth Control

- If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees

- If You Can Read This...

Kiss A Teecher

- Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

- If You Remember the '60s, You Weren't Really There

- Procrastinate Now

- Rehab Is for Quitters

- (Across a drawing of a skeleton) Waiting for the Perfect Man

- My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse... .... He Couldn't do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse

- The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Harley

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained:

- It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him:

- Now, just a minute. Listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels-the phone is still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And Mister, I TOLD HER!

A female snake charmer was wooed by an undertaker and accepted his offer of marriage. They received many gifts at the wedding but their favorite was a set of towels embroidered with the words: "hiss and hearse" (woo-hoo!...that was terrible! :)

For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn.

A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts.

Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.

- Yes, she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know! - he replied.