Kids Jokes

- Teacher: How can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?

- Little Johnny: I get up early.

- Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.

- Little Johnny: Here it is!

- Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

- Class: Little Johnny!

A little boy and his dad are standing in line at the grocery store behind a big fat lady. The little boy says, "hey dad, look how fat that lady is!"

"Shhhh, quiet son, she'll hear you."

"But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!"

"Shhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice!"

"But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!"

"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice and it's rude!"

Suddenly the fat lady's beeper goes off.

"Look out dad, she's backing up!"

This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning.

"This mower work, son?" the preacher asked.

Little Johnny said, "Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though."

The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start.

Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house. "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough."

"Well," Johnny said, "you need to curse at it sometimes."

The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!"

"Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, Mommy?"

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

- Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I".

- Little Johnny: I is...

- Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say "I am."

- Little Johnny: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Little Johnny is in the bathroom taking a pee when the toilet seat falls down on top of his penis. He starts screaming and crying. His mom comes running into the room wondering what's going on. He tells his mother "Mommy, the toilet seat fell on top of my penis. Kiss it better."

"Johnny you are getting more and more like your father everyday." His mother says.

A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could. 'God,' he prayed, 'I really want a car.' Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was empty. 'God,' he prayed again, 'I really NEED a car.' Still no answer to his prayers. Suddenly the kid stood up, ran into his parents' bedroom, and grabbed the statuette of the Virgin Mary off the mantelpiece. He wrapped it up in ten layers of paper, using three rolls of tape and a spool of twine, then stuffed it inside a box at the very bottom of his closet. 'Okay, God,' he said, getting down onto his knees again, 'if you ever want to see your mother again...'

Little Johnny was late for school. When he finally got there his teacher asked, "Why are you late little Johnny?"

Johnny replied, "My grandpa got burnt, Miss."

The teacher replied, "I hope it wasn't too bad."

Then little Johnny said, "Don't worry, the crematorium doesn't muck around!"