Gender Jokes

Ok there are two gay guys and two lesbians. They are on a race to LA.

Which of the two will get there first?
→ The Lesbians, because the gay guys are still getting their shit packed!

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
11. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)
12. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
13. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
14. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).
15. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
16. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
17. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
18. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

...and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)

In response... The male perspective on the same issue ...

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
11. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
12. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
13. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
14. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
15. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
16. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
17. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
18. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)

...and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)

1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.

The perfect man, the perfect woman, and Santa Claus are in a car driving down the road and there is a fatal accident. There in only one survivor. Who is it?
→ The perfect woman - Santa Claus is made up and there's no such thing as the perfect man!

How do you open a can of beer?
→ That's not the point - it should be open when she gives it to you!

1. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
2. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was damned near impossible.
4. A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ...pow!...it was.. all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "Ahhh my wife found out!"
5. Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
6. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
7. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha responds excitedly, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!" The man responds, "I don't care... just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful.
9. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
10. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose would you go to lunch or to a movie?
11. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished.

- Man: Haven't we met before?

- Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

- Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

- Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

- Man: Is this seat empty?

- Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

- Man: Your place or mine?

- Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

- Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?

- Woman: It's in the phone book.

- Man: But I don't know your name.

- Woman: That's in the phone book too.

- Man: So what do you do for a living?

- Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

- Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?

- Woman: Do not Enter

- Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

- Woman: Unfertilized !

- Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason.

- Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!

- Man: I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.

- Woman: You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?

- Man: I know how to please a woman.

- Woman: Then why aren't you leaving me alone?

- Man: I want to give myself to you.

- Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

- Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

- Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

- Man: Your body is like a temple.

- Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

- Man: I'd go through anything for you.

- Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.

- Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

- Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

- Man: Haven't we met before?

- Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

- Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

- Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

- Man: Is this seat empty?

- Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

- Man: So, wanna go back to my place ?

- Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?

- Man: Your place or mine?

- Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

- Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?

- Woman: It's in the phone book.

- Man: But I don't know your name.

- Woman: That's in the phone book too.

- Man: So what do you do for a living?

- Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

- Man: What sign were you born under?

- Woman: No Parking.

- Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?

- Woman: Do not Enter

- Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

- Woman: Unfertilized !

- Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason

- Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!

- Man: I know how to please a woman.

- Woman: Then please leave me alone.

- Man: I want to give myself to you.

- Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

- Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

- Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

- Man: Your body is like a temple.

- Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

- Man: I'd go through anything for you.

- Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.

- Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

- Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

• "I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde." - Dolly Parton
• "I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job." - Roseanne
• "My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives." - Rita Rudner
• "He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant" - Carol Leifer
• "I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog." - Wendy Liebman
• "I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on." - Roseanne
• "I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT?" - Wendy Liebman
• "I think-therefore I'm single" - Lizz Winstead
• "Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." - Hedy Lamarr
• "When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." - Elayne Boosler
• "I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." - Gilda Radner
• "Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." - Maryon Pearson
• "Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." - Bella Abzug
• "In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." - Margaret Thatcher
• "I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." - Gloria Steinem
• "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." - Gloria Steinem
• "Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." - Katharine Hepburn
• "I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." - Marie Corelli
• "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" - Linda Ellerbee
• "I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." - Zsa Zsa Gabor

The president was trying to keep his presidential promise by putting more women on his staff.