Food Jokes

On Saturday last, I had dinner at a local Chinese restaurant. My fortune read:
"You will gain admiration from your pears."

Comice? Bartlett? Canned? I don't grow or eat them, anyway.

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again.

"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:
\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat//
Then enter:
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:
ms.no.good/tryagain\again/again.crap.

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items.

If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

This weekend, I discovered a cooking tip I haven't seen listed in any cookbooks.

While you are preparing the food, and after the guests have arrived, you contrive to fill the house up with smoke, preferably enough to get at least two smoke detectors going.

Then you go rushing about the house, opening all the windows, setting up fans, and generally doing everything short of calling the fire department.

Let the guests sit for about 1/2 hour at 50 degrees (as a result of opening the windows) and serve the food.

By this point, you have established expectations in your guests' minds that you can't fail to exceed!

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted." The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

Food quotes, quips, and thoughts . . .

"Artichokes ... are just plain annoying ... After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual 'food' out of eating an artichoke as you would from licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead." -- Miss Piggy

"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." -- Sam Levinson

"This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them." -- Gracie Allen

"I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet." -- Erma Bombeck

"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster." -- Joe E. Lewis

"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead." -- Woody Allen

"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." -- Fran Lebowitz

"Health food makes me sick." -- Calvin Trillin

"Watermelon -- it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face." -- Enrico Caruso

"Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get." -- Robert Orben

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian water?
→ Just spell "Evian" backwards!

Heard on a radio station.

What did the female mushroom say about the male mushroom?
→ He's a real fun guy [fungi].

From Harper's Magazine:
Amount of pizza eaten each day in U.S. (acres): 75