Festival Jokes

Random joke from this category

Geek's Thanksgiving

  1. Be thankful you haven't been spammed!
  2. Be thankful your computer isn't down!
  3. Be thankful your favorite forum isn't down!
  4. Be thankful you don't have The Good Times virus!
  5. Be thankful your server isn't down!
  6. Be thankful for a vast selection of Web sites to browse!
  7. Be thankful no one knows who you really are!
  8. Be thankful someone sent you a cyber sundae, and you didn't gain a pound!
  9. Be thankful your 28 year old cyberfriend really isn't 72!
  10. Be thankful for a fast Internet connnection!
  11. Be thankful no one sent you a cyber voo-doo doll!

Least Popular Halloween Handouts

The Top 10 Least Popular Halloween Handouts

  • Spinach flavored Rice Cakes.
  • Teeth removing Taffy
  • Metamucil in a straw
  • Ex-Lax Brownies
  • Caramel Covered Zucchini
  • Colored Crisco on a Stick
  • Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts
  • Chocolate Covered Prunes
  • A Handful of Red Man
  • Anything that ticks!

Too Old to Trick or Treat

Top Signs That You're Too Old to Trick or Treat ...

  1. You get winded from knocking on the door.
  2. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
  3. You ask for high fiber candy only.
  4. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
  5. People say, "What a scary mask!" but you're not wearing a mask!
  6. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
  7. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
  8. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
  9. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

and last but not least...

  1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

Happy Halloween!

Guess Who Cards

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

-1 points
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Pearl Necklace Dream

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

Fireworks On A Tank

Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to test fire some fireworks. The only real problem was, their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air and found dead some 250 yards from their respective seats.

Across A Crowded Room

I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own.

Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you & threw open the door. Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts.

Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender pale skin. From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that awaits.

The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin. My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body.

I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door.

As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I. I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in. I put in more, you take it willingly.

In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in, you are so tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it, I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within.

Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender. I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good. Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste. "Oh yes", I say to you, "I must say Grace!" "Thank God for this Butterball Turkey, Amen."

(You ought to be ashamed of those thoughts you were having)

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Easter Quiz

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..."

"Wrong!, You must go to HELL" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head in disgust on the Pearly Gates, tells her she's wrong and to go to HELL, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."