Ethnic

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over --the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, asshole!"

Young Boudreaux applied for an engineering job way, way up north in Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The manager went up to Boudreaux and said "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the local man the job." Boudreaux said "Why you gonna be doin dat sir, we both got 9 questions right?"

The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed."

Boudreaux asked "An jus how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo betta dan da otter?"

The manager replied, "Simple, the local man put down on question #5, 'I don't know,' you put down, 'neither do I.'"

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try them on."

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years--- raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!".

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.

Just before take-off a fat, little Jewish guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a Coke." (Shuttle flights do not have cabin attendants, but you probably knew that.)

"No problem," said the Jew. "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone the Arab picked up the Jew's shoe and spit in it. The Jew brought back the coke, when the other Arab said "That looks good. Think I'll have one too."

Again, the Jew obligingly goes to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab picks up the other shoe and spits in it. The Jew returns with the coke, and they all sit back and enjoy the short flight. When the plane was landing the Jew slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples ....this hatred... your spitting in my shoes and me pissing in your Coke?"

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.

"Two dogs, please," said one.

The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

Vito and Vladimir

There were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Italian (Vito) and the other was Russian (Vladimir). Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular guy on the beach. But Vladimir had no success.

- Vladimir: Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?

- Vito: Well, I'll tell ya! But it's a secret . . just between you and me. I don't want my system to become too public.

- Vladimir: OK. It's a deal.

- Vito: You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedo. When the women see it, they come running from miles around.

- Vladimir: That's it? I can do that.

The next day, Vladimir went over to the produce stand and picked out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedo. As he walked out onto the beach, he immediately noticed that women . . . and men began to notice him. "It's working, he thought." But soon he began to realize that they were not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight of him.

He rushed over to Vito and asked "Vito, what's the problem? Why isn't it working?"

- Vito: Because you're supposed to put the potato in the FRONT!!

Why do they have Feta cheese at a Greek wedding?
→ To keep the flies off the bride!

During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up...

The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.

The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?"

The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

The one whose followers sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?"

The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

Then the rabbi said to the old man, "The congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand..."

The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is our tradition!"

Temperatures

• 60 degrees - Californians put their sweaters on.
• 50 degrees - Miami residents turn on the heat.
• 45 degrees - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.
• 40 degrees - You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.
• 35 degrees - Italians cars don't start.
• 32 degrees - Water freezes.
• 30 degrees - You plan your vacation in Australia.
• 25 degrees - Ohio water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming.
• 20 degrees - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation farther south.
• 15 degrees - French cars don't start, cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
• 10 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the car going.
• 5 degrees - American cars don't start.
• 0 degrees - Alaskans put on T-shirts.
• -10 degrees - German cars don't start, eyes freeze shut when you step outside.
• -15 degrees - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist.
• -20 degrees - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start.
• -25 degrees - Too cold to think, you need jumper cables to get the driver going.
• -30 degrees - You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start.
• -40 degrees - Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweater, your car helps you plan your trip South.
• -50 degrees - Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window.
• -80 degrees - Polar bears move south, Green Bay Packer (and Buffalo Bills) fans order hot cocoa at the game.
• -90 degrees - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
• -100 degrees - Hell freezes over, Clinton finally tells all. Kenneth Starr moves in with Monica. Alaskans button top button. Santa moves operations to Panama.

Buckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla "How do you spell 'dumb'?"

Darla says "d-u-m-b, dumb". The teacher says, "very good, now use it in a sentence." She says "Buckwheat is dumb". Now spell "stupid". Darla says "s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid". The teacher says, "very good, now use it in a sentence." Darla says "Buckwheat is stupid."

Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says "Buckwheat, spell dictate."

Buckwheat stands and says "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate". The teacher says, "very good, now use it in a sentence."

"I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"