Elderly Jokes

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association. A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.

"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"

"A rose?" asked the neighbor.

"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

Showing his friend around his home, Jennings pointed out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage. "The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth."

"Well," his friend replies, "since you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, you'll never be able to sell!"

"And that's where you're wrong," the man smiled. "If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"

Two old men were fishing off a bridge as they had done daily for many years. Suddenly a funeral procession came down the road. The one old man reeled in his line, lain down his pole, faced the street and bowed his head until the procession had passed. He then picked up his pole and started fishing again.

The other fisherman was amazed and stated "I didn't know you were that religious."

The other looked at him and said "Least I could do, we've been married 42 years!"

With their 30th wedding anniversary approaching, Ron asks his wife, Sylvia, what she wants to celebrate the occasion.

"Would you like to have a new mink coat?" Ron asks.

"No, not really," Sylvia responds.

"Well, how about a new Porche?" asks Ron.

"No, thanks," Sylvia replies.

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" Ron suggests.

"No," says Sylvia.

"Well, what would you like for your anniversary?" Ron asks.

"I'd like a divorce, Ron," answers Sylvia.

"Sorry, honey, I wasn't planning on spending that much," replies Ron.

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

- Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?

- Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question...

- Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please.

- Well, all right. Yes, 3 times.

- Three? When were they?

- Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?

- Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?

- Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?

- I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?

- Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?