Dumb Jokes

A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you died."

"But you see I'm alive," smiled the friend. "Impossible," said the psychiatrist. "The man who told me is much more reliable than you."

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.

So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."

The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

Another one said, "How do you know?"

The first inmate said, "God told me!"

Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"

There was a costume party at a mental hospital; the theme of the party was "war". The first person comes up onto the stage and says, "I'm an atomic bomb." He gets his applause and steps down.

The second person comes up and says, "I'm a hydrogen bomb." Again, there's applause and he steps down.

And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says, "I'm dynamite." Everybody runs away hysterically. When one of them is asked why, he says, "Didn't you see how small his fuse was?"

Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain. Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing. "Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something." Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident.

Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?" The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid."

While attending a spelling session in school one day, the teacher asked if anyone could spell the word DUMB.

Darla raises her hand and says, "I can, I can."

The teacher replies, "OK, go ahead Darla..."

Darla replies, "D-U-M-B."

The teacher replies, "Very good," and "can you use that word in a sentence?"

Darla replies, "Sure, Buckwheat is very DUMB."

The teacher replies, "OK, well can anyone spell the word STUPID?"

Again, Darla raises her hand, and the teacher replies, "OK, go ahead Darla."

Darla replies, "S-T-U-P-I-D."

The teacher replies, "Very good," and "can you use that word in a sentence?"

Darla replies, "Sure, Buckwheat is very STUPID."

The teacher replies, "OK, well let's continue, can anyone spell the word DICTATE?"

No one raises their hand, so the teacher asks Buckwheat if he can spell the word DICTATE.

Buckwheat replies, "Sure, D-I-C-T-A-T-E."

The teacher replies, "Very good Buckwheat," and "can you use that word in a sentence?"

Buckwheat replies, "Sure I can. I may be DUMB and I may be STUPID, but Darla says my DICTATE good."

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!" "What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. "We weren't making love."

"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were."

Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're makin' love down there!"

Two men went to the desert for a vacation. They rented a camel and headed out. Five days later they came back but without the camel. The man who had rented them the camel was very upset and screamed, "Where is my camel?" They replied, "Well, we were riding along when we kept hearing people say, 'Look at the two assholes on that camel!' So finally we got off to take a look and the damn camel ran away!"

A woman strode angrily into the large drug-store-cum-general-store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.

The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"

The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for 'cats'?"

Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy. "Paddy," says Murphy, "I've got a problem."

"What's the matter?" replies Paddy. "Oi've bought a jigsaw and it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together, and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" asks Paddy. "It's of a big cockerel," Murphy replies.

Paddy says, "Alroight, Murphy, Oi'll come over and have a look."

He gets to Murphy's house and Murphy opens the door. "Oh thanks for coming Paddy." He leads Paddy into the kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table.

Paddy looks at the jigsaw, then turns to Murphy and says, "For God's sake Murphy, put the cornflakes back in the packet."