Doctor Jokes

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

- Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

- Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

- Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.

[dramatic pause]

- Pastor: Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

- George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

- Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

- Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

- Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

- Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?

- Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.

- Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.

- Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.

A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it.

- Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out.

- Patient: I wanna second opinion.

- Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.

- Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails?

- Doctor: No! Throw them away like everybody else.

- Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!

- Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?

- Patient: What problem?

A variation

- Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?

- Patient: What pills?

1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort. Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.
2. Be cheerful at all times. Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.
3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated. Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief. You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it. It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.
6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily. Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly. You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford. It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor. The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
10. Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care. This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

- Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!

- Doctor: Don't worry about it. You'll pass eventually.

- Liz: I'm the examiner!

- Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be eighty.

- Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.

- Doctor: See, what did I tell you.

- Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

- Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.

- Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?