Dirty Jokes

You know you've been married too long when a "Quickie" before dinner now means a drink.

My husband has always taken the time to make love to me in a very romantic atmosphere.

In fact, all our kids were conceived during Miller Lite commercials.

Mother calls up stairs:

- You boys better get down here and eat your breakfast or you'll be late for school!

As they are ambling down, the 5-year-old turns to the 4-year-old, stops and says:

- Today we're gonna learn to swear!

The 4-year-old gives a fearful look.

The 5-year-old continues:

- When we get to the table, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'!

The 4-year-old agrees with reservation.

They seat themselves at the table. Mother greets them:

- Good morning boys! What would you like for breakfast?

The 5-year-old leans back and cocks his head...

- Hell Mom! I'll have Cheerios!

He is promptly escorted to another room while the 4-year-old seated at the table grimaces upon hearing the wailing cries of big brother getting a serious licking.

Mother returns with sniffling 5-year-old. She turns to 4-year-old and says compassionately:

- Well now, what would you like for breakfast?

The 4-year-old replies:

- I don't know ma... But you can bet your ass it ain't Cheerios!

A little girl asked her mother:

- Can I go outside and play with the boys?

Her mother replied:

- No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough!

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked:

- If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?

I heard a story of a woman going into a bank with her son who was about 5 or 6. He was being a brat and his mother was having a hard time controlling him. When she finally got to the teller, she sat the boy on the counter and said:

- Now you be a good boy or I'll tell Gramma how you were acting and she won't give you anymore cookies.

The child sat there for a moment with a scowl on his face and then told her, and everyone else in the bank:

- Oh yeah? Well I'll tell Gramma I saw you sucking Daddy's cock!

The place went completely silent and the woman just picked up her son and left without finishing her banking.

Divorce is bachelorhood, with strings attached...

Tis better to have loved and lost....than have to live with the bitch the rest of my life.

What do you call a woman without an asshole? Divorced.

My ex-wife is like a good laxative...she irritates the shit out of you.

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Divorce is having your genitals torn off through your wallet. - Robin Williams

Love is grand. Divorce is at least 20 grand.

When I got divorced, my wife and I split the house. I got the outside and she got the inside.

Of all the new weight loss programs and exercise videos available, divorce is still the most effective. Where else can you get rid of 205 pounds in a quick 90 days.

Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. - Ambrose Pierce

When does a woman stop masturbating? After the divorce is finalized.

Says Jim after the divorce was finally settled:

- Eh, I didn't care for some of her habits...

- I mean, she was a slob! Every time I went to take a piss, she always had dirty dishes laying there in the sink!

Two guys are talking in a bar. The first one says:

- My ex-wives were great housekeepers. The first one kept the house, the second one kept the house....

"What do tornadoes and marriage have in common? At first, there's a lot of blowing and sucking. Then when it's over, your whole house is gone.

I blame my divorce on my ex-husband's calculating mind. He put two and two together.

How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.

What is the difference between Saddam Hussein and your ex-wife's lawyer? Compared with the lawyer's demands, Hussein's are reasonable.

There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.

Alimony:

1. A contraction of the term "all-his-money".
2. A splitting headache.
3. It's the screwing you get, for the screwing you got.
4. Paying for something you don't get.
5. That's the same as buying corn for somebody else's cow.
6. The high cost of leaving.
7. The last laugh.
8. The wife cries and the judge wipes her tears with the husband's checkbook.
9. Buying oats for a runaway horse.
10. A woman's cash surrender value.
11. The billing minus the cooing.

Divorce: When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts.

Experience: What a man gets in exchange for alimony.

Marriage: Why make one man so miserable, when you can make so many, so happy.

What is the definition of a faithful husband? One who's alimony checks arrive on time.

He is so rich, he is ahead in his alimony payments.

- Mrs. Riley, you say you divorced your husband 6 years ago, but you have a newborn infant and children 1, 2, 3, and 4 years old. How come?

- Well, every year, he comes back to apologize.

A man and woman were lying in bed on night and the woman said to the man:

- I sure wish I had bigger tits.

The man responded by saying she should rub toilet paper all over them.

The woman looked at him and asked:

- Toilet paper, what will that do?

The man said:

- I don't know, but look what it's done for your ass!

A man came home a day early from a business trip and discovered his wife in the midst of passionate lovemaking with a total stranger in their bedroom. He demandingly asked:

- What on earth are you doing?!?!!

The wife turned to the other man and replied:

- See, I told you he was as dumb as a post.