Dirty Jokes

What happened to a Brighton Beach prostitute who had an appendectomy performed by a Soviet emigre surgeon?
→ He sewed up the wrong hole, so now she's making money on the side.

An anxious woman goes to her doctor.

- Doctor - she asks nervously.

- can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?

- Certainly - replies the doctor.

- Where do you think lawyers come from!

A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times...

He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says:

- Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won't be able to make love more than 30 times!

The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said. He tells her what the doc told him.

She says:

- Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!

He replies:

- Yes, I already made a list on the way home; sorry but your name is not on it!

This 82-year-old man married a 22-year-old woman and they decided that they wanted to have kids. So after trying for a while with no success, he went to see the urologist, pretty discouraged. The urologist said not to get discouraged and that they could run some tests.

- Take this specimen jar into the bathroom and leave me a specimen to test - the doctor said.

The old man closed the door, and about an hour and a half later, still had not come out. The doctor came by and asked:

- Are you alright?

- No - the old man said.

- This just isn't going to work - he dejectedly explained.

- There's no hope for me, I've worn out my left hand, I've worn out my right hand, I've run cold water over it, and I've run hot water over it. I've even thumped it on the edge of the sink.

- But no way can I get the top off this specimen jar!

- Patient: Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the uncontrollable urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me?

- Doctor: Yes... You're fucking crackers!

A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30.

He is persuaded to have a medical exam first:

- Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit - he says to the doctor.

- Okay - says the medic.

- let me see your sex organs.

So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.

An extremely old man visits his doctor and tells him:

- I need my sex drive lowered.

The doctor, incredulous, says:

- What?? You want your sex drive lowered??

To which the old man replies:

- It's all in my head; I need it LOWERED!

A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father's house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery.

As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl's feet.

- What's this? - she asked.

- Taste it - he replied.

- If you like it, I'll give you a whole one!

Did you hear about the doctor who had his license taken away because he was having affairs with his patients?
→ Yup, it's a shame because he was one of the top veterinarians in the country!

Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade?
→ She gave herself a tonsilectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift!