Random joke from this category
A young priest, who is still unsure of the penance to dole out during confession, asks an older priest what he should give a cocksucker.
"Oh," says the older priest, "give the altar boy a dollar or so, if you feel like it. Personally, I never give them more than fifty cents."
There was this hooker who mistook a Salvation Army man for a soldier and propositioned him. The Salvation Army gent said:
- Ma'am, you may be forgiven, as a pitiable victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you familiar with the concept of 'original sin'?
The hooker replied:
- Well, maybe and maybe not. But if it's "really" original, it'll cost you an extra $20.
The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church.
When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice:
- Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?
- Why reverend - the young thing replied.
- All of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts.
- Hmm. Well let me check - said the man of the cloth, placing his head between her tits.
After several minutes, he raised his head and said:
- I don't hear any angels singing!
- Of course not reverend - she said.
- Your not plugged in yet.
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says:
- Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.
- Priest: Is that you, Tommy?
- Tommy: Yes father, it's me.
- Priest: Who was the woman you were with?
- Tommy: I cannot tell you, father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation.
- Priest: Was it Brenda O'Malley?
- Tommy: No, father.
- Priest: Was it Fiona MacDonald?
- Tommy: No.
- Priest: Was it Ann Brown?
- Tommy: No.
- Priest: Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?
- Tommy: No, father.
- Priest: Was it Amy Thomas?
- Tommy: No, father.
- Priest: Was it little Cathy Morgan?
- Tommy: NO father! I cannot tell you.
- Priest: Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four 'Our Fathers' and five 'Hail Mary's'. Now go back to your seat.
Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and whispers:
- What happened?!
- Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys, and six good leads.
What's the difference between acne and a priest?
→ Acne usually comes on a boy's face AFTER he turns 13.
A priest and a lawyer are walking down the street and see a small boy eating an ice cream. The priest says, "How'd you like to fuck that?" To which the lawyer replied, "Out of what?"
The Pope was working on a crossword puzzle. He thought and thought about one clue, finally gave up and asked the Cardinal next to him:
- What's a four letter word, ending in U - N - T that means 'woman'?
The Cardinal was working on his own puzzle and didn't even bother to look up.
- *A*unt, your Holiness.
The Pope didn't speak for a second.
- Oh.
He paused.
- Do you have an eraser?
Two priests are off to the showers late one night.
They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has some soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He gets halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
- Oh look - says the 2nd nun...
- A soap dispenser.
To test her theory she also pulls his dick... and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap. The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times. Still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight she yells...
- Look, hand cream!
Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation.
- Father! - she cried.
- just WAIT until you hear this!
The priest led the sister to a chair, and said:
- Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?
- Well, father - the nun began.
- I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!
- A serious infraction, indeed! - said the priest.
- But that's not what has me so excited, father - replied the nun.
- it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!
- What an incredible wager! - exclaimed the priest.
- What did you do?
"Well, I hit the CEILING, father."
"How much did you win?"
There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.
After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.
- It's O.K., - he replied.
- it's written in the Bible.
So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay.
The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil:
- The hat check girl puts out!
