Random joke from this category
There was a guy sitting at a bar having a beer.
Up walks a so called lady of the night. She says:
- For $300.00, I'll do anything you want.
Our fine lad thinks for a moment then says:
- Ok. Paint my house, bitch!
A man walked into the bar and there was a gorilla sitting on a barstool.
The man asked the bartender what the gorilla was doing in the bar so the bartender showed him. He took out a bat and hit the gorilla over the head with it. The animal instantly dropped down and gave the bartender blow job.
The Bartender then asked the man if he would like to try it.
The man said:
- Sure, but please don't hit me quite so hard.
A woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks:
- Do you do custom work?
- Why of course!
- Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.
- No problem - says the artist - Strip from the waist down and get up on the table.
After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes.
The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.
- That doesn't look like them! - she complains loudly.
- Oh yes it does - the artist says indignantly - and I can prove it. With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.
- Well, what do you think? - the woman asks, spreading her legs - Do you know who these men are?
The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says:
- I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definately Willie Nelson!
Three college roommates -- two females and a male -- began to argue after dinner about whose turn it was to do the dishes.
- All right - one of the girls said - the first one to speak has to do them.
The trio retired to the living room to watch TV. When their neighbor, a school football star, came by, the three remained silent. The visitor shrugged and led one of the girls into her bedroom.
Forty-five minutes later, the young man emerged and approached the second girl. Through sign language, they agreed to adjourn to her bedroom.
When he came out, he began to fix himself a cup of tea but burned his fingers on the stove.
- Hey, where's some petroleum jelly? - he hollered from the kitchen.
- Oh, hell! - the male roommate said, jumping up - I'll do the dishes.
The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said:
- Pardon me, miss, do you happen to have the time?
In a strident voice she responded:
- How dare you make such a proposition to me?
The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortable aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned in their direction. He mumbled:
- I just asked the time, miss.
In a voice even louder, the woman shrieked:
- I will call the police if you say another word!
Grabbing his drink, and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.
Not more than half a minute had passed when the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said:
- I am terribly sorry, sir, to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychology student at the university and I am writing a thesis on the reaction of human beings to sudden shocking statements.
The man stared at her for three seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed:
- You'll do all that for me all night for just ten dollars?
This young lady, a flighty young thing, got a job cleaning the bank windows in the evening after the bank closed for business. Anyway, she was up this ladder, cleaning good and proper and as she was in the habit of wearing no knickers, every young man who would come along would stop and stare for a second or two. But this evening an old geezer came along and stayed looking.
- What are you looking at - she said.
- I'm looking at the moon - he said.
- Well, if you were here last night, you would have seen a man in it - she said.
A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it. An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.
The passerby asks:
- Who's in your upstairs room?
The elderly man replies:
- I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs.
The passerby hands him the used condom and says:
- Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!
- Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
- Mum: Well, you have done the right thing.
- Son: But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy named "Clint", and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to Clint:
- You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?
Clint says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. Clint grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with Clint.
The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says:
- What your wish today?
Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. Clint leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the Clint. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse.
Clint grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells:
- Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!
A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy says "OK," and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.
Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take it. Returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. Guy says, "OK," and goes back to the drug store and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
Finally, the pharmacist asks:
- Look, if it makes you sick, how come you keep doing it?
