Dirty Jokes

Mike Mooney, a Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100 pound pig. The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said:

- This one will go a little over a 100

Astonished the Yankee said:

- Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way

The farmer laughed and called to his young son:

- Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man

The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said:

- This here pig weighs about 100 pounds

The Yankee was having no part of this so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son returned and said:

- Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman

Joan, a rather well-proportioned & near-sighted secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first few days, but always removed her glasses for an even facial tan. After several days she decided that no one could see her way up there, so she slipped out of her suit for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

- Excuse me, miss - said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.

- The hotel doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you have for the past week.

- What difference does it make? - Joan asked rather calmly.

- No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel.

- Not exactly - said the embarrassed little man.

- You're lying on the dining room skylight!

A college professor's going to bed with his wife. He's not that tired, so he's gonna stay awake and read while she goes to sleep. So he's reading, and every once in a while he reaches over and tickles her on the fun spot... "Kitza kitza..."

She says:

- Will you stop that! Will you stop reaching over here and teasing me like that?

He says:

- I'm not teasing you. I'm wetting my fingers so I can turn the page.

A guy leaves his place at the bar to go have a piss. He comes back about 10 Minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering & swearing very softly.

The barkeep approaches the customer and asks what the problem is.

- Oh some son-uv-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to my head.

- Jesus Christ! What happened?

- He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!

- Yeah, then what?

- Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you?

Cop coming upon a young couple making out....

- Cop: What the hell are you two doing?

- Boy: See honey, I told ya cops were stupid.

An old man and his son had a one-horse farm where they barely made a living. Then, one day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000.

The young man rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back home. He ran across the field, told his father the news, and handed the older man a $50 bill.

The father looked at the money for a moment and then said:

- Son, you know I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend it on whiskey or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford the license to legally marry your Ma.

- Pa! - the young man stammered - do you know what that makes me?

- Yep - said the old man fingering the $50 - ... and a cheap one, too.

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.

- WOW! - was the response from everyone at the bar.

Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked:

- Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?

The proud father answered:

- 10 pounds.

The bartender said:

- Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened?

The proud Texas father said:

- Just had him circumcised!

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

- No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes - he said to himself.

He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.

- Here - she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes.

- I found them in the hallway.

- Now - she said,

- if only I could find my gerbil.

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other:

- Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking arse.

Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

- That's okay - the blonde replied,

- If I don't sell more arse this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car.

A little girl was playing up a tree near a church. The priest was taking a walk when he happened to look up the tree and saw the little girl. She had no panties on. He called her down and gave her money to buy a pair of panties. The girl was so happy and told her mommy about it. The next day when the priest was again taking his daily walk, he looked up the same tree and saw the young girl's mother up there. She had no panties on. He called her down and gave her two dollars to buy a razor.