Dirty Jokes

What is worse than a dead dog on your piano?
→ An infected pussy on your organ.

What's the definition of virginity?
→ A big issue over a little tissue.

Ok, I'm going to get a lot of hate mail for this one...

What's the definition of the perfect woman?

She's three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth, and her head is flat so you can put a can on it. The sports model has pull back ears and her teeth fold in. The economy model fucks all night and at midnight turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.

Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stage coaches and the like were popular, there were three people in a stage coach one day: a true red blooded born and raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well endowed Texas lady. The city slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said:

- Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job.

The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said:

- Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!

Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said:

- Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of a woman in Texas!

Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache.

- I've got a beaut cure for a headache, - said his mate Trev. - Whenever I have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet blowjob. Never fails.

A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking.

- Did you try my headache cure? - asked Trev.

- Yeah, - said Phil, - worked great! Your house is nice, too!

Two men are discussing the age old question: who enjoys sex more, the man or the woman? A woman walks by and listens in for awhile and then interrupts: "Listen you guys. You know when your ear itches and you put in your little finger and wiggle it around for awhile? Afterward, which feels better, your finger or your ear?"

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants. They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them. After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her:

- Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?

- Well, - she replied, - you can start by buying me a drink.

One day a priest went into a public bathroom to use the stall. While he was on the toilet, he heard moaning coming from the stall next to him. He stood up to look over, and there was little Jimmy, sitting on the toilet masturbating.

The priest was shocked. He told Jimmy that he knew what he was doing in there and that he should save it for marriage.

Little Jimmy agreed to this only because it was coming from a priest. About a week later the priest ran into Jimmy at the mall and asked him how he was doing with his problem.

Jimmy replied:

- Great, Father, I've saved a whole quart!

What's the difference between Love, True Love and showing off?
→ Spit, swallow and gargle.

Mary went to Jill's place to tell her about a horrible experience she'd had the previous night with this bloke she brought home.

- Well, what happened when you got there? - Jill asked.

- The bastard called me a slut! - Mary said.

- And what did you do then? - Jill asked, shocked.

- I told him to get the fuck out of my bedroom and take his eight mates with him! - Mary said.