Dirty Jokes

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

- The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

- The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

- The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

- The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

- The Interior Designer - who tells her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

- The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

- The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed:

- Give four advantages of breast milk.

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers.

What is the meaning of "sanctity"?
→ It's french, for a lady with five breasts.

What's the difference between men and women?
→ Women must play hard to get; men must get hard to play!

What's long and hard and excites a girl when she's finally lucky enough to get on it?
→ The road to success!

What would you call a virgin on a water bed?
→ A cherry float!

What's the difference between a barmaid in the evening and a barmaid at night?
→ A barmaid in the evening is fair and buxom.
→ A barmaid at night is bare and ....

Three women were sitting at a bar having a few drinks.

After a while the conversation started turning a little rude and crass. Soon the women were getting louder and they were arguing about how wide their snatches were. (This happens all the time.)

The first woman got up on the bar, lifted her leg, grabbed a baseball bat and slid it home. All the people in the bar were watching, hooting and hollering, throwing money.

Five minutes later the second woman got up, lifted her leg, grabbed a bowling ball and slid it in. People were going ballistic.

Finally the third women very casually got up on the bar and asked for a quarter. She slid it in..... and the jukebox starts playing.

A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says:

- I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!

- Oh NO! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive.

- I also heard that you've been calling me fat?!?

- Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are.

- I've also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!

- Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!