Random joke from this category
There were three dogs at the vet talking to each other when one says, "I chewed up all my masters shoes, and that's why I'm here". The next dog said, "I peed on my masters $1,000 rug". The next dog then comes in and say's, "My master is a female and she likes to clean house in the nude, so when she bent over to pick up something, I went for the ride of a life time!" "And that's why you're here?" asked the other dogs. "No, I'm getting my nails clipped."
A kid is walking down the road, when a car pulls up next to him.
The man in the car opens the window and asks the kid if in return for a sweet he will come in his car.
To which the boy replies:
- GIVE ME A FIVER AND I'LL COME IN YOUR FACE!!!!
Why do men masturbate?
→ Because they want to have sex with someone they love.
What does a short sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?
→ They both have wet noses!
It was spring in the old west.
The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.
As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
- Hold on there, partner - said the snake
- don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want.
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said:
- OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding.
The rattlesnake said:
- All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes.
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.
Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.
He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted:
- Oh My God... I was riding the MARE!
I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
(Lick finger and wipe on shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
Nice legs....what time do they open?
Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
You've got 206 bones in your body, want 1 more?
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a BIG BREASTED BED THRASHER, have you seen one?
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest women on earth tonight.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
Is that a ladder in you stockings or the stairway to heaven?
You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
My friend wants to know if YOU think I'm cute?
A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.
Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.
He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.
Holding his neck with one hand, he said:
- Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!
- Hell, that's nothing - she answered, ripping open her blouse.
- Look what he did to my tits!
HEADLINE: A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club. Police are looking into it.
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office.
- What seems to be the problem? - the doctor asked.
- Well, I, uh, - she stammered.
- I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac.
- I see - he said.
- I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour.
- That's not bad - she replied.
- How much for all night?
Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says:
- Did you see that?
- No - the second guy says.
- Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead - the first guy says.
- Oh - says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, The first guy says:
- Did you see that?
- See what? - the second guy asks.
- Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there.
- Oh.
A few minutes later the first guy says:
- Did you see that?
By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says:
- Yes, I did!
And the first guy says:
- Then why did you step in it?
