Dirty Jokes

The teacher, brought a Venus statue in class and asks:

- What do you like best about it?

- The artwork - says Robert.

- Very good. And you, Peter?

- Tits!

- Peter, get out! And you, Johnny?

- I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving.

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

- Last night I made love to my wife four times - the Frenchman bragged - And this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.

- Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times - the Italian responded - And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked:

- And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?

- Once - he replied.

- Only once? - the Italian arrogantly snorted.

- And what did she say to you this morning?

- Don't stop.

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only said his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks - usual communication traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark:

- Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut; however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian nor American space programs. Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant.

On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. He finally responded.

It seems that Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question:

- When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with my brother in the backyard. He had hit a fly ball which landed in front of my neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, 'Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!'

True fact.

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla.

So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500. He responded that he was interested but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?

- Well - said Mike - You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks.

The kings of Spain, France, and England all stand on stage together in front of their nations all ready to see who of the three has the largest penis.

The king of Spain takes his out and as they all see the impressive proportions all the Spanish people shout:

- Viva Espania!

The king of France is next and as his is even larger, all the French scream:

- Vive la France!

Next comes the king of England, and just as he drops his pants and takes his out, everyone exclaims:

- God save the Queen!

A guy who has a stuttering problem goes in to his doctor and says:

- Ex-ex-ex-cu-cu-se m-m-me d-d-oc but I I I have th-th-this st-st-stuttering problem and I I I was wo-wondering if you c-c-c-could help m-m-m-me.

- Well take off your clothes and get into this gown and let me check you over.

The guy gets into the gown and the doc begins his check-up.

The doctor is quite surprised:

- I see what the problem is your penis is so large that it's pulling on you abdominal muscles which in turn is causing a strain on your vocal chords.

- W-w-w-well c-c-can you h-h-help m-m-me?

- Sure I can but we'll need to cut off about 8 inches

- I-I-I-I can't t-t-t-take this an-any more do it.

Six months later the guy goes back to the doc:

- Well doc I must say that the operation was a great success but my sex life really sucks and I would like my operation reversed. Please put back what you took off

The doc replies:

- F-f-f-f-f-fuck Off!

Once upon a time in a place where little sperms grow, there was a super jock sperm who spent all his time working out. He did things like lifting weights and running, his most important duty. All the other sperm were very curious about his pastimes.

- Why do you keep working out all the time - they asked.

- Well - he said - Of all us sperms, only one of us is going to make it to the egg. And that is going to be me.

Well, the other sperms just floated around waiting for the day to cum (pardon the expression). And it did, and they were off! All those sperms racing along and far out in front of them was the super jock sperm, racing so fast and so hard (ha HA) that they couldn't see him any more, but they still kept cumming.

Alas, then, away in the distance, they heard a loud piercing scream. They still kept cumming though.

And then very shortly the super sperm appeared, screaming with all his might:

- Go back, Go Back! IT'S A BLOW JOB!

A guy enters a drugstore and lights up a cigar.

The owner, a bit outraged, says:

- Sir, please refrain from smoking here, it is a public place..

A bit bewildered, the guy answers:

- But it is only yesterday I bought those cigars here.

The owner quietly replies:

- Irrelevant, sir, we also sell condoms here!

A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is pleased with what he sees. He starts to review patients to see what they will do when they get out. He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player. He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player. He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his dick in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks what he is doing. The man replies "I'm fucking nuts, I'm never getting out of here!"

Three Americans died overseas in the war. The General of the three was sent to each of the houses to inform their spouses.

He went to the first man's house and told the man's wife of the tragic news. She cried for a moment and the General asked her what she wanted to do with his body.

She said:

- Well, he loved to fish so I would like to have his body creamated and his ashes spread over the lake so he can be forever with his fish.

And it was done.

The General went and informed the second man's wife. She too cried and was then asked what was to be done with his body. She said:

- Well, he loved to hunt, so I think it would be great if we could have him creamated and have his ashes scattered over the forrests so he can be forever with the creatures that he loved so much.

The third man was gay. The General was a little hesitant but proceeded in telling the man's husband the bad news. The man cried and screamed for well over an hour and then finally calmed down enough to hear the General's question:

- What would you like to do with his body?

The gay man reesponded:

- Well, my husband was a good man, but he was not very outgoing. He didn't like to do anything outside the house. He was the best lover I ever had. He was amazing in bed. He loved my chili too. I loved him so much. Well, the only logical thing to do is to have his body cremated, make some chili for dinner, throw his ashes in, and let him burn my ass up one more time!