Dirty Jokes

The story takes place in a Christian school. The teacher asks the question:

- What part of your body gets to heaven first?

Three students raise their hand, Jenny, Jim, and little Johnny in the back. The teacher thinks to herself:

- I dont want to call on Johnny cause he will say something bad.

So she picks on Jenny first who says:

- I think your head gets to heaven first cause you have to be smart.

The teacher then calls on Jim who says:

- I think your heart gets to heaven first cause you gotta have a good heart.

Finally Johnny is the only one with his hand up. The teacher says to herself:

- Oh no, I gotta pick Johnny.

She picks him and he says:

- I think your feet get to heaven first.

The relieved teacher asks him:

- Why on earth do you think your feet get to heaven first?

Johnny says:

- Cause I walked into my Mom and Dad's room last night and my mom's feet were straight up in the air and she was shouting 'Oh God I'm cummin'!'

Grandmother and granddaughter were in the bank when three bank robbers walked in and held it up.

- All the ladies down on the floor - one handsome robber commanded.

- My grandmother too? - the little girl asked.

- Yes, your grandmother too!

- All the ladies on the floor, pull up your dresses.

- My grandmother too?

- Yes, your grandmother too! All ladies will now remove their panties.

- Surely you don't mean my grandmother too? - asked the little girl.

Becoming angry, the handsome robber shouted:

- YES, YOUR GRANDMOTHER TOO! Now, all the ladies on the floor are to spread their legs apart.

When the little girl started to ask if her grandmother was included, her grandmother snarled:

- YOU HEARD WHAT THE MAN SAID!

- Viagra, The quicker dicker upper

- Viagra, One-a-day, like iron

- Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight

- Viagra, Home of the whopper

- Viagra, It plumps when you take 'em

- Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman

- Viagra, Tastes great, more filling

- Viagra, Ten inches long ... and growing.

- Viagra, We work harder, so you don't have to.

And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:

- This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?

- Accountants do it with Double Entry

- Acupuncturists do it with a small prick

- Ambulance drivers come quicker

- Australians do it Down Under

- Bach did it using the organ

- Bankers do it with interest

- Bartenders do it on the Rocks

- Batman does it using his Robin

- Bookkeepers do it for the record

- Bosses delegate the task to others

- Chess players check their Mates

- Cops do it with cuffs

- DJs do it on request

- Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure

- Dentists do it orally

- Detectives do it under cover

- Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers

- Elevator men do it up and down

- Engineers do it to specifications

- Engineers do it to a first order approximation

- Firemen do it with a big hose

- Frank Sinatra does it his way

- Garbagemen come twice a week

- Gardeners do it on the bushes

- Gas attendants Pump all day

- Golfers do it in 18 holes

- Landlords do it every 1st of the month

- Managers make others do it

- Marketing reps do it on commission

- Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it's free

- Teachers do it with class

- Waiters and waitresses do it for tips

- Zoologists do it with animals

What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
→ You know she'll swallow.

Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
→ They don't want to wear out the camel.

What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
→ A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness?
→ Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to fuck off!

Do you know why women fake orgasm?
→ Because men fake foreplay.

What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
→ When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
→ Dating children.

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball?
→ A guy will actually search for a golfball.

Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
→ She knows she's given her last blow job.

Who is the most popular man at the Nudist Colony?
→ The man who can carry two cups of coffee and 12 donuts.

Who is the most popular woman at the Nudist Colony?
→ The woman who can eat the last two donuts.

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
→ Cough, gag, choke, etc.

What did One gay sperm say to another?
→ How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
→ It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
→ Two. The hard part is getting them in the lightbulb.

What's the definition of Trust?
→ Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.

How do you find a blonde in long grass?
→ Pleasing!

What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies?
→ Bingo!

How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
→ When the big hand touches the little hand...

When is a pixie not a pixie?
→ When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

What's the definition of a Yankee?
→ Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.

What's a Japanese girl's favorite holiday?
→ Erection day.

How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
→ The tongue's still in the envelope.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
→ After 10 years the job still sucks.

Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
→ The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.

What do Monica and Bob Dole have in common?
→ They're both upset Clinton finished first.

They called off the investigation of President Clinton due to a lack of evidence. Turns out he didn't tell her to lie, he told her to kneel.

How will Clinton build his bridge to the 21st century?
→ Apparently while part of a federal prison work release program.

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
→ One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate labrador.

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls:

- Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply:

- Yes I have a phone.

The driver of the Yugo says:

- Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says:

- Yes, I have a refrigerator.

The driver of the Yugo says:

- That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says:

- Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!

The driver of the Yugo says:

- Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

- I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce - the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly!

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said:

- You got me out of the shower for that!

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted:

- Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife!

A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify. She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said:

- Who can tell me what this is?

A little girl raised her hand.

- Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?

- It's a cow, teacher.

- Very good, Janie - said the teacher. Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class.

Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer.

- I'll give you a hint - said the teacher.

- What does your mommy call your daddy when she's trying to be 'lovey-dovey'?

Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said:

- ooh, ooh!, I know, Teacher. It's a big horny bastard!

- Guys have feelings too. But, like, who cares?

- I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

- Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

- I hate everybody, and you're next.

- Please don't make me kill you.

- I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now.

- I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

- Warning: I have an attitude, and I know how to use it.

- Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later.

- You KNOW you want me.

- Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.

- Of course I don't look busy - I did it right the first time!

- Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

- I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

- You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?

- You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

- All stressed out and no one to choke.

- I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

- How can I miss you if you won't go away?

- Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

- If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

- Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.

- I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.