Computer Jokes

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

If IBM made toasters ...

They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Microsoft made toasters ...

Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters ...

It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.

If Xerox made toasters ...

You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters ...

The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If Oracle made toasters ...

They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Sun made toasters ...

The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters ...

They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters ...

It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If Sony made toasters ...

The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If Fisher Price made toasters ...

"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters ...

Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.

ADDICTED INTERNET JUNKIE!!!!

1. A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy-----for a year!!!!!
2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.
3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."
4. You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ ......instead of ICU!
5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
6. You placed the refrigerator beside your computer...or put it in the bathroom.
7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ICQ in your car.
8. Tech support calls YOU for help.
9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."
10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.
11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.
12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.
14. You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months ago.
15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.
17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for awhile.
18. You say....... "Where did the time go??"
19. You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.
20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
21. You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......
22. You need to be pried from your computer by the jaws-of-life.
23. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this.... "BRB. Leave your S/N and I'll TTYL... ASAP".
24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and kisses.
25. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.
26. You're on the phone and say "BRB".
27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood-shot eyes.
28. You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the computer on instead.

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as - "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday, there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so, currently, only, one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not suprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.

Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week, my secretary said to me: "I'm a little nervous. I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is. I just pulled in out of MYASS."

What is Bill Clinton's favorite web browser?
→ Microsoft Intern Exploiter

How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ 10.

• 1 to release a beta version
• 1 to complete the documentation
• 1 to test for hardware compatibility
• 1 to deny tech support
• 1 to configure the TCP/IP
• 1 to check for y2k compliance
• 1 to program the software to be compatible with the other software
• 1 to approve the invoice for the ladder
• 1 to change the bulb.

(That's nine because there's always one more thing you need.)

At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

What is the biggest oxymoron of the 1990's?
→ Microsoft Works!

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless, to say the helpdesk employee was fired: however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support Employee:

- Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?

- Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.

- What sort of trouble?

- Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

- Went away?

- They disappeared.

- Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

- Nothing.

- Nothing?

- It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.

- Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

- How do I tell?

- Can you see the c:\prompt on the screen?

- What's a sea-prompt?

- Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

- There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.

- Does your monitor have a power indicator?

- What's a monitor?

- It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?

- I don't know.

- Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

- Yes, I think so.

- Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

- Yes, it is.

- When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

- No.

- Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.

- Okay, here it is.

- Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.

- I can't reach.

- Uh huh. Well can you see if it is?

- No

- Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

- Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark.

- Dark?

- Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

- Well, turn on the office light then.

- I can't.

- No? Why not?

- Because there's a power outage.

- A power....

A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the box and manuals and packing stuff you computer came in?

- Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

- Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

- Really? Is it that bad?

- Yes, I'm afraid it is.

- Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

- Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God....

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." "Well, what's the difference between the two?" Bill asks.

God says, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay, then," says Bill. "Let me try Hell first."

So Bill goes to Hell. It's a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperature is perfect. He is very pleased. "This is great!" he tells God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," says God, and off they go. Heaven is a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It's nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thinks for a quick minute and decides. "Hmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he tells God. "Fine," replies God. "As you desire."

So Bill Gates goes to Hell. Two weeks later, God decides to check on the late billionaire to see how he is doing in Hell. When he gets there, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asks Bill. Bill responds, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?" "Oh ... that was the SCREENSAVER."