Celebrities

It is time to elect a world leader and your vote counts.

Here's the scoop on the three leading candidates.

Candidate A: associates with ward heelers and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B: was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of brandy every evening.

Candidate C: is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any illicit affairs.

Which of these candidates is your choice??

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question: "Will I be acquitted?"

Whats the difference between Monica and a Soda machine?
→ They both have, "incert Bill"!

What does Ted Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he had??
→ An ex-wife and a dead girl friend.

Did you hear the latest theory about Monica Lewinsky?
→ It may never be proven but they think she may be the youngest woman to have ever held the Presidency.

One gay man says to the other, did you hear Newt Gingrich is coming out?

"Really?" the second gay man says, "that's amazing!"

The first gay man says, "yeah we're lucky, he's only coming out of Congress, would you wanna sleep with him?"

Did you hear what Monica Lewinskys' mother said when she brought home her dress?
→ What, doesn't the White House have any club soda?

When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was a failed experiment headed for the ash heap of history, I knew he was a demagogue.

When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was an evil empire, I knew he was a dangerous kook.

When that fool Reagan said that we could end the Cold War by escalating the arms race, I knew the odds favored nuclear annihilation.

When the Soviet Union went broke, dissolved, and repudiated its past, I knew it was all Gorbachev's genius, and that fool Reagan had nothing to do with it.

Because if that fool Reagan was right all along...

...what kind of fool am I?

Jules Feiffer

- Ken: So Mr. President did you ever buy Lewinsky any gifts?

- Prez: I don't rightly recall ... actually I did once splash out on a dress for her

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the Midwest, when suddenly a tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come down and pull themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of OZ. Naturally, they decide to go to see the Wizard of OZ.

Says Quayle, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Says Gingrich, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"