Business Jokes

What's an actuary?
→ An accountant without the sense of humour.

Why did God invent economists?
→ So accountants could have someone to laugh at.

When does a person decide to become an accountant?
→ When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
→ Someone who has a loophole named after him.

What's the definition of an accountant?
→ Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
→ "What kind of answer did you have in mind?"
→ Two, one to change the light bulb and one to check that it was done within the given budget.

What is a Budget?
→ An orderly system for living beyond your means.

A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day's work.

After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation. His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message:

"Debits in the column toward the file cabinet.
Credits in the column toward the window."

A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant.

Her friend asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?"

The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been searching for."

A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."