Business Jokes

What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?
→ An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next year. A Sicilian actuary can give you their names...

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.

He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is".

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded with the following account:

Chalk: $1
Knowing where to put it: $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

How many tax advisors does it take to change a light bulb?
→ "In the summer there is a tax deductible convention in Hawaii, dealing exactly with this issue."

How many tax auditors does it take to find a $1.00 mistake in an expense report?
→ Three. One to find the mistake and two to discuss the significance of it.

How many cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ "Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill."

How many architects does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Just one, but he has to coordinate ten other professionals who are doing this quiet complicated task.

Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a tailor. The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured Abraham, then told him the cloth was not enough to make a suit.

Abraham was unhappy with this opinion and sought another tailor. This tailor measured Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and said, "There is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a vest, please come back in a week to take your suit."

After a week Abraham came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor's son wearing trousers made of the same cloth. Perplexed, he asked, "Just how could you make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could not make a suit only?"

"It's very simple," replied the tailor, "The other tailor has two sons."

What happened to the man who owned a riding academy?
→ Business kept falling off!

How do you make a small fortune out of horses?
→ Start off with a large fortune!

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire.

"What sort of accountant are you?" says St Peter

"Public Practitioner," is the reply.

"Name?"

He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out.

"Oh, yes. We've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted span," says St Peter.

"How can that be?" says the accountant. "I'm too young to go. I'm only forty-eight"

"No, that's impossible."

"Why do you say that?"

"Well we've been looking at your time sheets and the hours you've charged your clients. By our reckoning you're at least ninety three."