Blonde Jokes

Why did the blonde cross the road?
→ I don't know. Neither did he.

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

- How did this happen? the emergency room doctor asked her.

- Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied.

- What? sputtered the doctor. You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?

- No, Silly! the blonde said. First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest.

- And then?

- Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.

- And then?

- Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger.

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

Did you hear about the blonde that...

• Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
• Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years".
• Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
• When asked what the capital of California was answered "C".
• Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
• After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

A blonde, brunette, and redhead went to a church to donate money. The brunette draws a circle around her and throws up all her money. She says that whatever lands inside the circle is for God, and whatever lands outside of the circle she keeps. The redhead then draws a line, stands on it, and throws up all of her money. She said that whatever lands on the right side of the line is for God, and whatever lands on the left side she keeps.

The blonde throws up her money, and yells, "God, whatever you catch is yours, and whatever you don't I get to keep."

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

Two blonde robbers were robbing a hotel.

- I hear sirens. Jump! said the first one.

- But we're on the 13th floor! said the second one.

- This is no time to be superstitious, the first one screamed back.

Two secretaries were talking about their work.

- I hate filing, said one. No matter how careful I am, I can never find the papers I'm looking for. I forget where I have filed them.

- I used to have that problem too, but no more, her blonde friend said. Now I make 26 copies of everything I type and file one under each letter of the alphabet. That way, I can't miss it!

Why do blondes wear earmuffs?
→ To avoid the draft.

A bleached blonde and a natural blonde were on top of the Empire State Building. How do you tell them apart?
→ The bleached blonde would never throw bread to the helicopters.