Bar Jokes

I've got trouble with the wife again - she came into the bar looking for me and I asked for her number.

There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After a while, one of the first two turned to the third and sez "Well... What about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" "Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my wife came to me on her hands and knees." he bragged and took another sip of beer.

His friends were amazed! "What happened then?" they asked, almost in unison.

"Well, then she said, 'Get the hell out from under that bed and fight like a man!' " he admitted.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
→ They're married.

One night, after closing time a barman is sitting at his bar minding his own business, when a spectral hound floats in through the door. The barman, being an exceptionally cool kind of guy, asks "Yeah, what do you want?". The phantom hound explains, in a haunting voice, "I've lost my tail...... and cannot rest until a kindly barman stitches it back-on". At this request the barman stands back astonished and says to the phantom dog..... "Sorry, but we don't re-tail spirits at this time of night".

What happened when a ghost asked for a brandy at his local pub?
→ The landlord said "Sorry, we don't serve spirits."

An insect falls into a mug of beer.

English Man: Throws his mug of bear on the floor and walks out.

American Man: Takes out the insect and drinks tbe beer.

Chinese Man: Eats the insect and throws the beer.

Indian Man: Sells the insect to the Chinese and the beer to the Englishman and buys himself a new mug of beer.

Pakistani Man: Accuses the Indian of throwing the insect into his mug, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and takes a loan to buy another mug of beer.

Where does an Irish person go on a vacation?
→ A new bar

This small Latino man walks into a bar, sits, and orders a beer. A big man comes in, taps him on his shoulder, and says, "You're sitting in my seat!"

The same Spanish man ignores him and orders another beer. The man again taps him on his shoulder, and tells him he's sitting in his seat.

The same Spanish man gets up, leans over the seat, and says. "I don't see your name on it."

He sits down again and orders still another beer. "The man says... I know Karate!"

The small Latino man says, "I know JUDO! JU DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE A GUN! JU DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE A KNIFE!"

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub discussing the best pubs around. The Englishman says, "There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every that you buy." The Scot is not impressed and says, "That's nothing! In the Highlands every time you buy a drink the landlord buys you five." At this point the Englishman is fairly impressed. The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says "That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar shuts he takes you into a room and makes love to you." The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies "No, but my sister told me about it."

A black guy walks into a tavern with a parrot on his shoulder...the bartender looks up and says, "Where the hell did you get that thing?"
The Parrot replies, "Over in Africa, there's millions of them!!!!"