At Work

The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.

A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting.

He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them.

Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave."

At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove today, you idiot."

How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Six - One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.
→ Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the whole socket.

How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ What? Go all the way up there and come back empty? You must be jokin' mate!

- Policeman: Are you going to a fire?

- Motorist: No, I'm trying to prevent one. That's what my boss said would happen if I were late again.

Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."

"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.

"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."

"What if that had been struck by lightning?"

"Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well in that case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."

"What if that was vandalised?"

"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"

Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."

Why did the electrician close early on Mondays?
→ Because business was very light.

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile.

The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action. The Japanese team had six people rowing and one person steering and rowing; the American team had two people rowing and five people steering.

After a year of study and thousands spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure for the Americans was: one quality assurance manager, two steering managers, one area steering managers, and a new performance review manager for the two people rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

That year, the Japanese won by TWO miles !!!

Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rowers for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

The social worker asked the bartender, "What's the difference between your job and mine?"

The bartender replied: "I only had to go to bartender school for 6 weeks and I learned to mix very good drinks, then wait a couple of hours to have people tell me their innermost thoughts, while you went to school for 6 years, paid thousands and thousands of dollars, sit session after session using technique after technique, and you still may never hear them!!!"

INTERVIEWER to job applicant: "Do you think you could come up with any reason you want this job other than your parents want you out of their house?"