Animal Jokes

Why did the chicken cross the road?
→ BILL CLINTON: Let me say this one more time. I did not have sexual relations with that chicken.

Why did clinton follow the chicken across the road?
→ because, he couldn't get his dick out of its ass.

President Clinton, returning from a campaign stop in Arkansas, is climbing the steps to board Air Force One. Under each arm he is carrying a souvenir of his trip -- a live razorback. At the top of the jetway, he is met by the guard, a Marine sergeant, who issues a crisp salute.

"I'd salute you back, Sergeant," says the President, "but as you can see, I've got my hands full."

"Yes, sir," replies the sergeant. "Very nice pigs, sir. Very nice pigs."

"Why, these aren't pigs," the President responds. "These are RAZORBACKS!"

"Yes, sir -- razorbacks. Sorry, sir."

"Yup," Clinton continues. "Got this one for Chelsea, and this one for Hillary."

The sergeant replies: "Very good trade, sir -- very good trade."

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head. "Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper." "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

Why did God give men larger brains than dogs?
→ So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Men are like...

Men are like animals: messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but they make great pets.

Why can't a man eat like a bird?
→ Have you ever tried to pick up food with your pecker?

There's a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman on board.

The headquarters in the US calls: "Monkey #1, Monkey #1 report to coms for instructions."

He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.

A few moments later headquarters calls again: "Monkey #2, Monkey #2 report to coms for instructions." He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation. So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Woman, woman please report to coms for instructions." She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says..... "I know, I know!! Feed the monkeys, and don't touch a damn thing."

The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women, has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra for over-endowed women.

It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra"...

It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.

Why do little girls carry goldfish in their pockets?
→ To smell like big girls.