Random joke from this category
A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."
An American tourist was driving in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got out to see if he could locate the trouble. A voice behind him said, "The trouble is the carburetor." He turned around and only saw an old horse. The horse said again, "It's the carburetor that's not working." The American nearly died with fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy the bartender what the horse had said to him. Murphy said, "Well, don't pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars anyway."
Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping"
and the Number One New Year Resolution for Cookie is...
AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...
The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted:
- You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus.
- Forget the bonus - the turkey said.
- All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?
What do reindeer say before telling you a joke?
→ This one will sleigh you!
Why is a reindeer like a gossip?
→ Because they are both tail bearers!
Why do reindeer wear fur coats?
→ Because they would look silly in plastic macs!
How do you make a slow reindeer fast?
→ Don't feed it!
Why did the reindeer wear black boots?
→ Because his brown ones were all muddy!
How long should a reindeer's legs be?
→ Just long enough to reach the ground!
Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach?
→ Because he didn't want to be recognised!
Which reindeer have the shortest legs?
→ The smallest ones!
Where do you find reindeer?
→ It depends on where you leave them!
What do reindeer have that no other animals have?
→ Baby reindeer!
The first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burnt it, just for spite
Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
The second day after Christmas
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
Of both the turtle doves
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
On the third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make some chicken soup
The four calling birds were a big mistake
For their language was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake
and turned my fingers green.
The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldn't lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the ASPCA
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
On the seventh day, what a mess I found
The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned.
The eighth day after Christmas
Before they could suspect
I bundled up the
Eight maids-a-milking
Nine ladies dancing
Ten lords-a-leaping
Eleven pipers piping
Twelve drummers drumming
And sent them back collect
I wrote my true love
"We are through, love!"
And I said in so many words
"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the Birds!"
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree!"
One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof. As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said:
- You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here.
The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said:
- Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here.
Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident:
Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
→ I could have traveled by bus.
A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows:
What warning did you give the other party before the collision?
→ Horn
What warning was given by the other party?
→ Moo
