Animal Jokes

A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps very soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over.

He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says:

- Boy, don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!

Two men were out hunting in the woods. One of them was a fanatical huntsman and he went hunting as often as he could.

The other was his friend who is a peaceful nature loving fellow, who didn't really want to hurt anything.

They had been out in the woods for some time, when they picked up the tracks of a deer. They soon caught up with it, and when they saw it, it was obvious why it had been so easy to catch up to - it had a terrible infection over it's left eye, which it couldn't even see out of.

The hunter started to take aim with his shotgun, but his friend begged him to stop:

- Hey! - he said.

- Can't you see that's a bad eye deer?

A lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods.

Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with poop, crossed her path.

- Oh, my - exclaimed the lady.

- Come on, I'll clean you!

She took a Kleenex from her purse and cleaned the little critter. She walked a little farther and another duck, with poop all over it, crossed her way. Again she took a Kleenex and cleaned the little bird. Then she encountered a third duck, with the same problem.

And for the third time, she acted like a Florence Nightingale. She walked on still farther and she heard a voice from the bushes calling... Pssssst...

- Hey, lady!

- Yes? - she responded.

- Do you have a Kleenex? - asked the voice from the bushes.

- No, not anymore - she answered.

- Damn! Have ya' seen any Ducks?

Tired of boring old dog name like Ruff, Spot, Lassie, etc?

The next time you get a dog, name it: Mypenis

Why, you ask? Well just look at some of the great excuses you can use for school, work, and general conversation!

- I did do my homework but Mypenis ate it!

- Oh no, Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!

- Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.

- I'm sorry officer, I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.

- Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.

- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.

- If Mypenis begs at the dinner table, I just tell it to LAY DOWN!

- I love giving Mypenis a bath, but Mypenis doesn't like cold water.

- At night, I like to snuggle with Mypenis.

- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.

- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!

- Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.

- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?

- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.

- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.

- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.

- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.

- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.

- Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.

- HELP! Mypenis is lost...can you help me find him?

- Sorry to be driving slow officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.

- Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.

- Mypenis got fleas from the neighbors dog.

- Anytime Mypenis gets too excited, I just scratch him behind the head.

- Please do not feed Mypenis table scraps!

- Do you think you could feed Mypenis while I'm on vacation?

- I have a cat that plays very well with Mypenis.

- When I take Mypenis for a ride in the car, I roll down the window so it can hang it's head out.

What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
→ A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

The night was young, the moon was high,
We were alone just she and I.
Her hair was soft her eyes were blue,
I new just what she wanted me to do,
Her skin was smooth her legs were fine.

I ran my finger down her spin.

I don't know how but i tried my best,
As I placed my hand on her breast.

I remembered my fear, my fast beating heart.

And slowly she spread her legs apart.

And when I did it I felt no shame,
And all at once white stuff came.

At last it is finished, it's all over now.

My first time ever........................

Milking a cow!

(And what were YOU thinking about?)

Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an oppossum.

Knowing that mother oppossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.

They take it into the car and continue down the road. The little oppossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?

He thinks for a minute and says:

- Well it's used to being in it's mother's pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in "there" it will calm down.

She exclaims:

- I'm not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!

The husband replies:

- Well, why don't you just hold it's little nose!

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.

The waiter comes and takes their drink order.

- I would like a Sprite - said the first little piggie.

- I would like a Coke - said the second little piggie.

- I want water, lots and lots of water - said the third little piggie.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.

- I want a nice big steak - said the first piggie.

- I would like the salad plate - said the second piggie.

- I want water, lots and lots of water - said the third little piggie.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

- I want a banana split - said the first piggie.

- I want a root beer float - said the second piggie.

- I want water, lots and lots of water - exclaimed the third little piggie.

- Pardon me for asking - said the waiter - but why have you only ordered water?

The third piggies says:

- Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'

What do you get when you cross a Rotweiler with a Collie?
→ A dog who bites off your arm and go's to get help.

A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.

All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.

The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!"

The panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?"

"Why yes," the barman answered. "Your a panda."

"Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.

The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.

After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition:

PANDA:

1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.