Random joke from this category
- Girl to Doctor: Doctor, Help! My brother thinks he's a chicken!
- Doctor: How long has this been going on?
- Girl: About a year.
- Doctor: Wow! Why didn't you tell me sooner?
- Girl: Because we needed the eggs!
A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:
- I am placed in the door and told when to jump.
- My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.
- But how do you know when you are going to land? - he was asked.
- I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground - he answered.
- But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? - he was again asked.
He quickly answered:
- Oh, that's the easy part. It's when the dog's leash goes slack.
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Rottweiler: Make me!
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls.
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark...
Doberman: While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the couch.
Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs -- people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?
How do you get down from an elephant?
→ You don't. You get down from a duck.
Why did the elephant paint himself all different colors?
→ So he could hide in the crayon box.
Why do elephants have wrinkles?
→ Because they are so hard to iron.
Why did the elephant put skates on before he went to bed?
→ Because he wanted to get rolling in the morning.
Why can't an elephant ride a tricycle?
→ Because it doesn't have a thumb to ring the bell.
Why do elephants wear sunglasses?
→ So no one will recognize them.
Why are elephants such poor dancers?
→ Because they have two left feet.
What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?
→ Time to get a new fence.
Why can't elephants go swimming at the beach?
→ Because they can't keep their trunks up.
LIFE UNDER THE SEA
What is life like under the sea? Is it a dogfish eat dogfish world? Is everyone united for a common porpoise? Or do they all split off in their own special groupers? Well, one tragic story indicates it's not so perfect down there.
There was once a brilliant sturgeon on the staff of the community health fishility. He was in fact one of it's flounders. Wiser than salmon, a fin fellow who would never shrimp from his responsibilities, he was successful and happy and always whistled a happy tuna.
One day one of his patients, a mere whipper snapper, started trouting around telling everyone the sturgeon's treatments had made him more eel than he had been and the conked him with a malpractice suit.
Well, the sturgeon was in a real pickeral. The board chased him off the staff and demanded his oyster. But fortunately the case smelt to high heaven so the judge denied the plaintiff's clam. The board tried to hire the sturgeon back but by then he had hit the bottlenose pretty hard. But what's really shad about the story is that the sturgeon ended up on squid-row...
A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat. He walked up the the bar and said:
- Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat.
They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.
Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said:
- Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat.
He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.
When it was the Cat's turn to buy, he told them to "Fuck off!"
So the man went back to the bar and said:
- Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat.
The Barman was curious about this and said:
- I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?
The man replied:
- I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish.
- What did you wish for? - said the Barman.
"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!"
Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said:
- You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex.
Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.
There was another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says:
- That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex.
Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear says:
- Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?
Why Dogs don't surf the web...
- Can't stick their heads out of Windows 2000.
- Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
- Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
- Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
- Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
- Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
- Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
- Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
- SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
- SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
- Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manouever.
- Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.masters.leg.
- Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
A woman walks into a veterinarian's waiting room dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit obviously does not want to be there.
- Sit, Fluffy! - she says.
Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.
- I said sit, now there's a good Fluffy - says the woman, slightly embarrassed.
Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and urinates. The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts:
- Darn it, Fluffy, will you be good?!
Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office. As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says:
- Please pardon me... I just washed my hare, and can't do a damn thing with it!
