Animal Jokes

What does a blonde owl say?
→ What, what?

One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown.

Then came the second half...

First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five yard loss.

The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.

- Who made that tackle? - asked the ant.

- I did - said the centipede.

Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five yard loss.

Back in the huddle the flea asked:

- Who made that great stop?

- I did - said the centipede.

Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss.

Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede:

- Where were you in the first half?

The centipede replied:

- Puttin' on my shoes!

Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?
→ So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits.
→ So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo.

What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
→ Spot.

A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI.

- Well, - says the personnel director, - You'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute.

Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute. - Also, - says the director, - You must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course.

This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.

- There's one last requirement, - the director continues; - you must be bilingual.

With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says:

- Meow!

What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
→ In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."

A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian sitting on his porch. He figures he'll have a little fun...

- Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?

- Indian: Dog no talk.

- Cowboy: Hey dog, how's it going?

- Dog: Doin' alright.

Indian: shows extreme look of shock

- Cowboy: Is this Indian your owner? (pointing at Indian)

- Dog: Yep

- Cowboy: How does he treat you?

- Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.

Indian: shows look of disbelief

- Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?

- Indian: Horse no talk.

- Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it going?

- Horse: Cool.

Indian: extreme look of shock

- Cowboy: Is this your owner? (pointing at Indian)

- Horse: Yep.

- Cowboy: How's he treat you?

- Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.

Indian: shows total look of amazement

- Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?

- Indian: Sheep Lie!

A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks:

- Where did you get that?

→ The pig says:

- I won her in a raffle!

One day a man went hunting for ducks. When he was done he was going to his Chevy and he got a vist from The Game Warden.

The Warden said:

- Hey Sir, what ya huntin?

The man said:

- Ducks.

The Warden said:

- Did ya have any luck?

He said:

- Got 3.

The Warden said:

- Let Me see them.

The Warden stuck his finger up the ducks butt, smelled it and said:

- This duck is from Ohio, do you have a stamp for it?

The Man gave him the stamp.

The Warden picked up the 2nd duck did the same thing and said:

- Kentuky duck, got a stamp?

The man gave him the stamp.

The Warden did the same thing with the last duck and said:

- Canada duck. Stamp?

The man gave him the stamp.

Then the Warden said:

- Where you from anyway?

The man pulled down his pants and said:

- You're the expert, you tell me!

What did one Lesbian frog say to the other Lesbian frog?
→ You know what...we DO taste like chicken!