Animal Jokes

Little Johnny is walking with his father in the park and they see two dogs locked in a sexual embrace. Little Johnny not understanding what the dogs are doing asks his father:

- Daddy, what are those two dogs doing?

To which the father replies:

- They are making a puppy!

Later that night Johnny wakes up and walks down the hall to his parents bedroom and catches his mother and father making love. Johnny asks his father:

- Daddy what are you and mommy doing?

To which the father replies:

- Johnny we are making you a little sister.

Johnny thinks for a few moments and responds:

- Well, daddy could you roll her over? I'd rather have a puppy!

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

- OK, follow me, - he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

- Now, do you see that tree over there? - he asked.

- YES, YES, YES!! - the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

- Good! - said the first bat.

- Because I fucking didn't!

A bloke who was well known for his anti Italian sentiments, was walking down the street one day with a mate, when they came across a busking act, an Italian with an organ grinding monkey. Our incipient racist stunned his friend by throwing a couple of bucks into the hat.

- I thought you hated Italians? - was the comment as the friend recovered.

- Yeh, I do. But even I'll admit they're cute when they're little.

A guy goes down south to be a farmer because it's his life long dream. So he buys a piece of land and goes down there. Now all he needs are the animals. So he goes into a store and asks the clerk for a rooster to wake him up every morning.

The clerk says:

- We don't call 'em roosters, we call 'em cocks.

- Okay - the man says.

- I'll take a cock and a rabbit for the farm.

- We pronounce it rubbit - says the clerk.

- Okay, I'll take those two things and a mule to carry them home.

- We don't call 'em mules, we call 'em asses and every time the ass stops walkin', just scratch behind his ear.

So the man walks out of the store with the three animals. He's walking home when all of a sudden the mule stops.

The man sees a lady passing by and asks:

- Can you hold my cock and rubbit while I scratch my ass?

- Both look stupid in hats.

- Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.

- Both tend to have "hip" problems.

- Neither understand football.

- Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.

- Neither believe that silence is golden.

- Both constantly want back rubs.

- Neither can balance a checkbook.

- You can never tell what either of them is thinking.

- Both put too much value on kissing.

How Women Are Better Than Dogs

- It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.

- Women look good in sweaters.

An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk-rocker gets on. The punkrocker's hair is red, green, yellow and orange. He has feather earrings.

When he sees the old man staring at him, the punk rocker says:

- What's the matter old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a young guy?

The old guy says in reply:

- Yeah. One time I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid. . .

Dog Rules...

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

A man walks into a shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says:

- Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here.

"What do you mean," says the man, "this is a Jewish dog. Look."

And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.

"Rover," says the man, "daven!"

- Woof! - says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.

- Woof! - says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.

- Woof! - says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.

"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, you could make a million dollars off of him!!"

"You speak to him," says the man, "He wants to be a doctor."

Went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place. We asked how they prepare their chickens.

- We just tell them they're going to die.

Did you hear about the three ministers who were talking about their common problem with bats in the belfry of the church?

The first:

- I shot at them with a shotgun; but it only spoiled the woodwork.

The second:

- I tried a more humane approach, netting them and releasing them 100 Km away. But they beat me back to the church!

The third (who was looking pretty smug):

- I caught them, and baptized and confirmed each one. I haven't seen them since.