Animal Jokes

Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going.

- Really bad - said the second bee.

- the weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey.

- No problem - said the first bee.

- Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit.

- Thanks for the tip - said the second bee and flew away.

A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked:

- How'd it go?

- Fine - said the second bee.

- It was everything you said it would be.

- Uh, what's that thing on your head? - asked the first bee.

- That's my yarmulka - said the second bee.

- I didn't want them to think I was a wasp.

A duck walks in to a drug store and asks for a condom.

The sales person comes back with the condom and says:

- Put this on your bill sir - to which the duck replies:

- what do you think I'M a dickhead!

This guy walks into a pub with a gremlin sitting on his shoulder. He sits at the bar and orders a pint and a half of lager.

The gremlin downs his half-pint, runs long the bar, dips his head in a blokes beer and goes:

- Brrr!

The guy orders another pint and a half. The gremlin repeats the performance. The bloke grabs the gremlin by the neck, shakes him up a bit, and says:

- Listen, if you ever do that again I'll cut yer balls off!

The gremlin says:

- Ain't got none!

- Well, I'll cut off yer prick!

- Ain't got one of them, neither. - says the gremlin.

- Well, how do ya pee?

The gremlin smiled and said:

- Brrr!

What is the difference between a man and a carp??
→ One is a scum sucking bottom feeder, and one is a fish!!

A man went to Africa to do some game hunting. While there, he hired a young native to accompany him as his guide. Soon, a large flock of birds flew overhead and the hunter took aim.

The guide grabbed his arm and said:

- Oh, no! These are foo birds and to shoot one means terrible things will happen to you!

The man figured that was only a superstion of the natives and shot one down.

Then the rest of the flock returned and pooped all over him. He hollared at the boy:

- I must have some water right away to wash this mess off.

The boy said:

- Oh no! To wash the crap of the foo bird off means sudden death immediately!

Again the hunter ignored his advice, found water and got cleaned off.

Sure enough he dropped dead then and there. The moral of this story is:

- If the foo shits, wear it.

Two guys decide to go on a hunting trip. When there friend hears about it, he begges to go. The two men are skeptical, because every time there friend goes, he scares away all the game. The friend promises that if he is allowed to go, he will stay at the camp site, because he likes to camp more than hunt. They agree and they start on their trip.

Once camp is set up, the two men decide to go hunt, and their friend stays behind. After several hours they finally spot a ten point buck, but a shrill scream scares the buck away. The two men run back to camp, only to find their friend standing there looking up into the trees.

- What's wrong? - They asked.

- Yeah, you scared off our game.

- I'm sorry, fellas. I didn't screm when the snake fell out of the tree and wrapped aound my neck. I didn't yell when the bear came out of the woods and mauled me nearly to death. But those SQUIRELS...

What had happened to the poor man was that two squirels had climbed up his pants leg. The first squirel asked the second:

- Do we eat them NOW, or do we take them HOME?

What kind of bees make milk?
→ Boobies!

An Alaskan woman having car trouble pulls her Station Wagon into the local Exxon service station and has it looked over.

The Chillyland mechanic from under the hood says:

- Ma'am it looks like you blew a seal.

The Alaskan woman replies wiping her face:

- No, it's just Mayonaise.

Did you here about the new dog breed of dog?

It's a cross between a Pittbull and a Collie.

First it bites off your leg, and then it runs for help.

This just in: A well known college professor has been arrested and accused of putting marijuana in the food that seagulls consume. When asked why he did this he stated - "I want to leave no tern unstoned"