Animal Jokes

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. They both go up to the barstool and sit down. The owner orders two beers. The bartendar just frowns and says:

- Look buddy, we can't have any dogs sitting up at the bar.

The owner retorts:

- But this is no ordinary dog.

The bartendar doesn't budge from his stance and tells the guy to leave.

The owner protests:

- Look, this is no ordinary dog. This is a talking dog.

The bartendar says:

- Yeah right buddy. Okay, why don't you and your talking dog leave the bar?

The owner says:

- Okay, I'll tell you what. I'll go into the bathroom and take a leak. You can talk to my dog while I go. If you still want us to leave when I get back, we will.

So the owner leaves. And the dog and the bartendar start talking it up like they are long lost friends. The bartendar starts to really like this dog. There talking about sports and beer and women. So the bartendar comes up with an idea. He turns to the dog and says:

- Look, I have a friend who owns the bar across the street. If I give you $20 will you go into the bar and order a beer from him?

The dog says:

- No problem, and gets up and leaves.

The owner comes back and ask where his dog is. The bartenday explains about the joke. So the owner leaves to get his dog.

Right out of the bar, the owner sees his dog humping another lady dog. And the owner says:

- Hey, get off of her. Why have I never seen you doing this before?

To which the dog replies:

- Because I have never had $20 before.

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted:

- Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!

The shopkeeper said:

- By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out:

- This one isn't wearing any shoes either!

What do you call a Sleeping Bull?
→ A Bull-Dozer!

Why didn't the mouse cross the road?
→ It's cord wasn't long enough!

Why did God give deers eyes?
→ I have no eye-deer!

You know that Storks bring babys of course.
What kind of bird definitely does not bring babys?
→ Swallows!

How can you tell when an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
→ Footprints in the butter!

One fall day, Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse going down the street, followed by another hearse, followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked who was in the first one:

- My wife - the man replied.

- I'm sorry - said Dave.

- What happened to her?

- My dog bit her and she died.

Dave was taken aback.

- And who's in the second hearse?

- My mother-in-law. My dog bit her too and she died as well.

Dave asked:

- Can I borrow your dog?

- Get in line.

So, this penguin goes into a bar and says to the barman "have you seen my brother?"... and the barman says "I don't know, what does he look like?" (ba-dum-tish)

3 elderly gentlemen were sitting on a park bench discussing what the meanest animal in the world was.

The first said:

- The meanest animal in the world is a Hippopotamus, cause it's got such big jowls. One bite and your gone.

The second shook his head and said:

- Nah, hippo may be mean, but ain't nothing meaner than an alligator. He got a big mouth and all them teeth, snap ?, one bite, ha, one swallow, you gone.

The third gentleman sat for a moment, and finally he spoke and said:

- No sir, the meanest aninmal in the world is a hippagator.

The other two in disbelief inquired as to what in the world is a hippagator, believing there was no such animal.

The gentleman slowly began to explain:

- A hippagator got a hippo head on one end, and an 'gator head on the other

- WAIT ! - interrupted the others.

- If he has a head on both ends, How does he shit ?

The reply was simply:

- He don't, that's what makes him so mean.