Animal Jokes

Why can't dogs use computers?
→ Because you can't stick your head out of Windows XP

What do a turtle and a blonde have in common?
→ When they're on their back their both fucked!

What do you call a mother cow that lost her calf?
→ "Decafinated"

There was an old man in a bar who was staring at a punk in the corner. The punk had multicolored, spiked hair and multicolored feather earings.

After a while the punk got mad and said to the old man:

- What are you staring at?

- Back when I was in the army I got really drunk one night and fucked a parrot. I was wondering if you were my son.

A man hears a knock at his door, opens it but doesn't see anyone.

He glances down, sees a snail there and being the conscientious gardener he is, tosses the snail across the road, into a field, away from his property.

Ten years go by, and one day the man hears a knock at the door, but once again, doesn't find anyone there when he answers.

He looks down, sees a snail there.

The snail looks up at him, and in a tiny voice demands:

- WHAT WAS THAT FOR?

Whats a lesbian dinosaur?
→ A lickalotofpuss !

Whats a gay dinosaur?
→ A lickdicknopuss !

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said:

- Who owns the big white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said:

- I do... Why?

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said:

- I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said:

- Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.

Tonto said:

- Sure, Kemosabe

and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks:

- Who owns that big white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims:

- I do, what's wrong with him this time?

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says:

- Nothin', but did you know you left your injun running?

A frog walks into his local bank and walks up to the counter.

- I would like a loan of £30,000 please. - he asks the clerk, whose name is Patrick Whack.

- Thirty thousand pounds? That's a lot of money, you know. - says Paddy:

- You'll need a collateral for that amount of money.

- That's okay - says the frog:

- I have this.

And he pulls out of his pocket a tiny pink ceramic elephant.

- What's this? I can't accept this as collateral.

- Don't worry - says the frog:

- I know the manager, he's a good friend of mine. Tell him his friend Kermit Jagger is here.

Paddy gets up from his chair and goes to the manager's office, taking the little pink elephant with him. He shows it to the manager and says:

- There's a frog out there says he knows you, his name is Kermit Jagger. He want to borrow £30,000... he gave this as collateral... what on earth is it?

The manager takes the little elephant, studies it for a second and says:

- It's a nick-nack Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone.

How did a Blonde try to kill a bird ??
→ She through it out of the window !!

- Boy #1: Hey! Didja know that my grandfather was once face-to-face with a panther?

- Boy #2: That's nothing! My granny was once face-to-face with a lion! It was drooling...coming closer...closer...

- Boy #1: Gosh! What'd she do?

- Boy #2: She moved away from the cage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!