Animal Jokes

- Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a snail

- Don't worry we'll soon have you out of your shell!

- Doctor Doctor I think I'm a moth.

- So why did you come around then?

- Well, I saw this light at the window...!

- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a mosquito

- Go away, sucker!

- Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep.

- That's baaaaaaaaaad!

Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight about a dog? When the lawyer won, the dog bit him.

This guy goes to the zoo one day. While standing in front of the gorilla's cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "F**k you!" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better and he vowed revenge.
The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage.
Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, where he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn.
Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat.
The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on. Next, he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half.
The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.

What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole?
→ A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
→ It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
→ Stick his bill up his ass.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
→ A Lickalotopus.