Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked:
- Whatcha doing, Tim?
- My goldfish died - replied the boy tearfully, without looking up.
- And I've just buried him.
The neighbor was concerned:
- That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied:
- That's because he's inside your cat.
A woman is walking in the park when she sees a man playing chess with his cat. She says to the man:
- I can't believe what I'm seeing, a cat that plays chess, what a clever animal!!
The man replied:
- Nah lady this cats not clever at all I'm beating it 6 games to 1
A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station:
- Fill it up, will you?
The man says:
- Sorry - we're right out of petrol.
So the man considers, and says:
- Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?
And the attendant responds:
- Sorry, but no oil either.
The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant:
- Just what kind of petrol station is this?
The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man:
- To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front.
The man then says:
- Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres!
One day there was a family driving in the car to Michigan to visit their relatives. They were looking for the street they had to turn on to get to their relatives house. They accedently turned on the wrong street so they had to pull in a driveway and turn around. When they pulled into the driveway the girl asked her mother "Why dont these people have electricity?" Very confused the mother said, "Wut are u talking about?" The girl quickly replied, "Well, the sign back there said NO OUTLET!"
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him:
- Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!
- Hell - said Herman.
- It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!
A man was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked if he had anything to say in his defense. "They shouldn't put up such misleading notices," said the man. "It said FINE FOR PARKING HERE."
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress:
- Humph, not much of a man, was he?
The waitress replied:
- Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles.
When Abraham Liebowitz gets to school he discovers that he is the only Jewish kid in the class. But it's a decent town and nobody really bothers him.
One day the teacher asks the class:
- Who was the greatest person who ever lived? and why?
And to make it interesting she held a twenty dollar bill in the air and said:
- whoever gives the best answer will get this twenty dollars.
All of the kids called out their guesses.
One said:
- George Washington - because he was the father of our country.
- That's excellent - said the teacher.
Another said:
- Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves.
- That's also good - said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an excellent, but still being polite.
One little girl said:
- Joan of Arc - because she saved France.
Another excellent choice said the teacher.
Then Abraham Liebowitz, raised his hand.
So the teacher called on him:
- Abraham, who do you think was the greatest person who ever lived, and why?
And Abraham said:
- Jesus Christ.
The teacher was shocked.
- Abraham - she said:
- I'm very surprised. Class, I think we can all agree that Abraham should get the twenty dollars.
And she handed Abraham Liebowitz the money.
At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. So she asked Abraham why he said Jesus.
Abraham said:
- Look, personally I think Moses was the greatest person who ever lived, but... business is business!
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.
- What is the meaning of this? - the director asked.
- When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held.
- Well - the young man replied.
- in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination.
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
- Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?
The man below says:
- Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.
- You must work in Technical Support - says the balloonist.
- I do - replies the man.
- How did you know?
- Well - says the balloonist.
- everything you have told me is technically correct, but completely useless.
The man below says:
- You must be in management.
- I am - replies the balloonist.
- but how did you know?
- Well - says the man.
- you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're still in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault.
