Newest jokes

A monster went to the doctor with a branch growing out of his head.

- Hmmm - said the doctor. I've no idea what it is.

The next week the branch was covered in leaves and blossom.

- I'm stumped - said the doctor, but you can try taking these pills.

When the monster came back a month later the branch had grown into a tree, and just a few weeks later he developed a small pond, surrounded by trees and bushes, all of them on top of his head.

- Ah! - said the doctor, I know what it is. You've got a beauty spot.

A witch went into a beauty parlor and asked the assistant how much it would cost to make her look like a film star.

- Nothing - replied the assistant.

- Nothing? - she asked, but how can I look like a film star?

- Haven't you seen a film called The Creature from the Black Lagoon? - replied the assistant.

- First witch: My beauty is timeless.

- Second witch: Yes, it could stop a clock.

- They say Margaret is a raving beauty.

- You mean she's escaped from the funny farm?

- Mrs Saggy: Mrs Wrinkly tried to have a facelift last week.

- Mrs Baggy: Tried to?

- Mrs Saggy: Yes, they couldn't find a crane strong enough to lift her face!

- First Witch: I went to the beauty parlor yesterday. I was there for three hours.

- Second Witch: Oh, what did you have done?

- First witch: Nothing, I was just going in for an estimate.

Who won the Monster Beauty Contest?
→ No one.

What happened to the tiger who took a bath three times a day?
→ After a week he was spotless!

How do you know that there's a monster in your bath?
→ You can't get the shower curtain closed.

Which birds steal soap from the bath?
→ Robber ducks!