Newest jokes

Why couldn't the animals on Noah's Ark play cards?
→ Because Noah was standing on the deck!

So the bus driver said to the string, "Are you a string?" and the string said, "No, I'm afraid not". (A frayed knot).

How many Survivors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ One to start screwing it in and the rest to vote 'em off the ladder.

What do Fred Flintstone and Osama Bin Laden have in common?
→ They both look out their caves and see rubble.

What runs all day but never gets tired?
→ Water.

What's black, white and read all over?
→ A newspaper.

Why was six scared of seven?
→ Because seven ate nine.

What's the difference between a sigh, a car and a monkey?
→ A sigh is oh, dear. A car is too dear. A monkey is you, dear.

This morning I felt that today was going to be my lucky day. I got up at seven, had seven dollars in my pocket, there were seven of us at lunch and there were seven horses in the seven o'clock race - so I backed the seventh.

- Did it win?

- No, it came seventh.

- I'm not rich like Jack, don't have a mansion like Russell or have a Porsche like Martin but I do love you and want to marry you.

- I love you too, but what was that you said about Martin!