Newest jokes

Marriage is a three ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said:

- Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

- Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

- Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

- If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife:

- What did the doctor say?

- He said you're going to die - she replied.

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating:

- Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?

The first man approached him and said:

- Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied:

- My wife's first husband.

A mother and her child were at a wedding.

A little boy looks at his mom and says:

- Mommy, why does the girl wear white?

His mom replies:

- The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life.

The boy thinks about this, and then says:

- Well then, why is the boy wearing black?

A biologist phones his wife from his office and says:

- Honey, something has just come up, I realize its not my field season, but I have to visit my field site for a week. So, would you pack my clothes, my field equipment and my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in 1 hour to pick them up.

A week later he returned.

- Did you have a good trip, dear? - his wife asked.

- Oh, it was just a typical field trip, you know, work work work - he exclaimed, and added:

- But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.

- No I didn't - she replied - I put them in the box of field equipment!

- Cash, check or charge? - I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

- Do you always carry your TV remote? - I asked.

- No - she replied - But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked:

- You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?

- Why?

- Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.

An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.

- Well - says the old fellow - I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves.

The policeman looks at the old man and says:

- You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!

So the old man says:

- I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!

- Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.

- Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

- Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?

- Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.