Newest jokes

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies:

- My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.

He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl:

- Do you like spinach?

She says:

- No, and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks:

- Do you have a brother?

Again, the girl says:

- No, and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question:

- If you had a brother, would he like spinach?

Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.

One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at me last night!

She went on and on and wouldn't stop!

The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.

How do you do that? Says the other.

It's easy! I turn off the light!

They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other.

Instead, they were giving each other written notes.

One evening he gave her a paper where it said:

- Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am.

The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock.

Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying:

- Wake up, it's 6 o'clock!

A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.

That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.

As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.

The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage.

They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home.

The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked:

- Are they relatives of yours?

- Yes - his wife replied - I married into the family.

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

- The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!

An old granny overheard and spoke up:

- Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!

- Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

- Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

- Hubby: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

- Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself:

- What other problem can there be greater than this one?

It's not what you say, but the way you say it.

On a blind date, the boy said to the girl:

- Time stands still when I look into your eyes.

The girl was very flattered.

What the boy had really meant was:

- You have a face that would stop a clock.

A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.

A farmer replied:

- Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died.

- Well - replied the man - she must have had a lot of friends.

- Nope - said the farmer - we all just want to buy his mule.